


Colorless Adulation

by Emaisnialleraf



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anger Management, Angry Eddie Diaz, Angst, Anniversary dates, Anxiety, Christopher Diaz needs a hug, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan Buckley Needs a Hug, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mentions of Abby - Freeform, Not Beta Read, Past Child Abuse, Pregnant Maddie Buckley, References to Depression, Sad Christopher Diaz, Sad Eddie Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Therapy, Worried Eddie Diaz, eddie diaz needs a hug, not edited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:02:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24154015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emaisnialleraf/pseuds/Emaisnialleraf
Summary: Eddie's anger in intractable, he feels it bubbling through his skin and as Buck tries to soothe the bleeding, each torrent of heartache just flows through his fingers.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 97





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When one side has uncontrolled anger struggling past the surface and the other side has heart break trying to find a straight path; who has the right to claim normalcy?

The glass shattered under pressure, shards falling haphazardly across the small bathroom as he forced a growl deeper into his throat. All around him he saw the reflections shine as the pieces clanked against the sink, the floor, even littering themselves across the counter as he rested his fist against the now worthless mirror.  
Part of him knew he needed help, this anger- this fury grew deep into his bones in a way he struggled to express. Every call at work, every slight build up in traffic on the way home, even Christopher falling off his skateboard like a normal kid ripped his patience to shreds. Exhaustion was outweighed by annoyance and even when he thought he could control himself for a few hours on shift he was drawn to the crescent shaped cuts burned into the meat of his hands. He was losing control and he was losing it fast, but he couldn’t bring himself to get help.  
Who would be able to help him, that he could force himself to listen to? The emotions coursing through him were strong and no ordinary firehouse therapist was going to be able to get him under control. Even now, staring in the parts of the glass that still worked, he was trembling in rage. This whole night was a mess.  
He wasn’t fighting, not anymore, but it was times like this that forced him back into that headspace. It would be so easy to just march down the street into that cage and swing his fists at someone that didn’t mind. It was an excuse that worked, a justification that no one would judge him for in that safe space. They all cheered for him, flashed him with cash when all he needed to do was throw punches and release everything onto someone willing. It made the crashing waves calm, the thunderclouds disappear and his bloodstream soothe from deadly splashes to a serene safe haven.

“Eddie?”  
Turning his head he quickly latched his gaze onto the hand on the doorframe, following the arm to the blue eyes staring around the room in a mixture of shock and confusion. There was no rising anger, no deep worry, just something forming at a pace slow enough to try and form a reaction.  
“What’s going on?”  
Sniffing loudly he brought his fist away from the wall, hiding it behind his back and silently praying for there to be no blood dripping across the floor. He could feel the stinging across his knuckles and if the other left quickly it could be cleaned up without any issue. At this point he didn’t even know what to say, so the silence rang as the younger of the two took a smaller step forward into the hallway bathroom. Buck’s eyes were growing wider the more he exposed himself to, other hand coming to rest on the other side of the door as he breathed out a heavy sigh.  
“Eddie, what did you do?”  
“Don’t worry about it, why aren’t you in bed?” Trying to avoid being hammered in trial he turned away, reaching out for a towel already sprawled across the bathroom floor from earlier. He quickly wiped up the smears of blood on his palm, before turning to the floor and eyeing around for any splatters of red.  
“I was waiting up for you.. What happened?”  
Getting closer to the ground he huffed out an annoyed breath, not wanting to get into details as he scrubbed the towel across the floor. His hands pushed against whatever clean cut of floor they could, not wanting any more damage from the sharpness of the fragments.  
“I told you not to worry about it, I’m not in the mood right now, babe.”  
He tried to keep the bite out of his voice, but could tell it wasn’t working as his partner quickly dropped to the floor himself, beginning to pick up bigger chunks in his hands. It caused his own head to shake in denial, dropping the towel before reaching out to force the lighter hands away from the mess.  
“Seriously, back off.”  
The face shot up, looking at him in worry as he let himself fall back on his behind. Worry began morphing into confusion, then into assumptions and as the man crossed his legs he immediately began his assault.  
“Are you thinking of fighting again? Because if somethings going on you should see that therapist-”  
“I don’t need a therapist.”  
“Eddie, you punched our mirror-”  
“It was an accident,” getting the blood off the floor was easy, towel tossed aside before he grabbed the smaller trash can from under the counter and began pulling it closer. He started with the small pile Buck began collecting, trying to cover the farther bits so he wouldn’t once again be helped.  
“Really? An accident?”  
“Yes, Buck, that’s what I said.”  
Another sigh blew through the room, forcing him to curse himself for thinking this would go away in any sort of quick fashion. His head began spinning at the thought of Buck pushing, trying to mend his way into his own personal business despite the warnings already given.  
“I don’t think that this was an accident, I think something happened and you need to talk to someone about it before you make another decision-”  
The slamming of the trashcan against the floor shut the blond up, gaze shooting up quickly with a flash of fear behind them.  
“What? Like fighting?”  
Glaring across the room he sat up straighter, crossing his arms and tensing himself up as if he was walking into a argument.  
“I didn’t say that-”  
“No, but you implied it. You think I am going to run off and punch people again-”  
“-No, Eds-”  
“Because that's all you think of me! You think I have nothing better to do than go out and fight people in the ring as if I don’t have a million other things on my list of things to do! How about you get off my back!”  
The silence was deafening, Buck stilled to the point where his hands were frozen above his lap. It was obvious the man had been thinking of reaching out, resting his hands on the father’s shoulders, before the biting words kept him from moving forward. And he knew he shouldn’t have shouted, but before he could think of saying anything else the man was out of the half-bath and down the hall behind a closed door.

Waking up on the couch was nothing short of painful, his back protesting against any action, especially trying to sit up with a child bouncing on your chest. Christopher was smiling at him, eyes shining with love and curiosity as he continued his rapid presses against his dad.  
“Daddy! What are you doing on the couch?”  
“Hey, mijo, good morning.”  
Pressing a kiss to the smaller forehead he smiled, drawing his focus to the sound of the sink behind him just in the kitchen. He could hear dishes being cleaned and if the smell of pancakes was anything to go by, breakfast was cooked and his boys were ready to start their day.  
“You make breakfast?”  
Avoiding the previous question he quickly shot up, grabbing his boy under the armpits before dropping him on his feet beside the couch. The squeals of laughter were music to his ears and he fought another smile as the crutches began galloping across the floor.  
“Pancakes! Me and Buck made them!”  
“You did? How fun, I can’t wait to try them!”  
Walking behind the child he waited until he was close enough to the table before lifting him again, settling him in his seat before heading into the other room. The sounds of Chris’ laughter was enough to set an atmosphere, allowing him to wrap an arm around his boyfriends waist and drop a kiss on his temple.  
“Morning, mi amor.”  
Without waiting for a response he moved away just as quickly, reaching up in the cabinet for a glass and heading toward the fridge. He pulled open the door, steps faltering as he realized there was no reply from the body at the sink and causing him to turn.  
All he saw was Buck’s back, hands still working on a pan as Eddie grasped the carton of milk and headed to drop it on the island.  
“Buck?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You alright?”  
The small ‘i’m fine’ did nothing for him, deepening his frown as he breathed in deeply and gently placed his glass.  
“Babe, about last night-”  
“I don’t want to talk about it in front of Christopher.”  
As if on cue the boy called their names, asking about pancakes which drew his gaze to the plate a few feet away from him. The discs of batter were obviously all Chris, lopsided and slightly burnt which made him swallow down a bout of laughter. It wasn’t the time, that was obvious and he knew his boyfriend just needed some space to cool off until they got the chance to speak. Buck would be back to himself in no time.

Arriving at the station he quickly shifted the car into park, opening his mouth before Buck could open the door to escape. The drive from the school was silent, not even the music able to fill the void which drew guilt heavily into his stomach. He didn’t realize how hard the man had taken the fight, not even fully realizing why despite the hour of straight thinking about it on the way here.  
“Wait a minute, cariño.”  
Hitting the lock button he turned in his seat, trying to get a good view of the other person sitting next to him. Buck barely acknowledged him, not even bothering to turn as he quickly belted out his apology.  
“About last night, I don’t know what got into me, it was just a bad night. I’m sorry I snapped at you like that-”  
“You need help, Eddie.”  
The statement threw him into silence, words faltering at his lips as he tilted his head with a baffled smile.  
“Help? Babe, we had an argument-”  
“You punched a mirror, Eddie. You were acting like..”  
His heartbeat jumped, smile quickly scraped from his lips as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the seat of his truck.  
“Like what?”  
“Like the lawsuit. You have been angrier, irritable-”  
“Buck- we had a fight! Everyone fights, it doesn’t mean-”  
Turning in his seat, Buck looked genuinely concerned, eyes tinted with worry as he shook his head and unbuckled his seatbelt. The warmth of hands against his face was welcoming, almost soothing as the blond tilted his head gently; Almost like a puppy awaiting approval.  
“Not when it’s a pattern. These past few weeks I have noticed you getting worse, steadily but surely. It started when Abby came back, with Christopher going to camp, and now with whatever it is you are keeping from me.”  
“I’m not keeping anything from you,” he quickly reached up to hold the hands against him, turning to press a kiss against the wrists pulling him carefully across the middle of the car. “I promise, mi amor.”  
“Then why are you so angry?”

The engine came to a stop in the garage, Eddie quickly jumping out before turning and raising a hand toward his teammate. He smiled gently in response to the other’s, reaching a hand up and helping him off the step. Obviously the six foot firefighter could do it himself, but seeing the way it made him feel kept him doing it every single time they got back from a call. The way Buck looked at him made his soul brighten, lifting his mood so high he was flying through emotions. Even as Chimney gagged from behind them he couldn’t wipe the grin from his face, following his best friend toward the hooks to relieve themselves of their gear.

“You know, you still haven’t told me what we are doing for our anniversary.”  
Amusement painted itself across his face, lips twisting in humor as he looked up at the man across the table. He looked so serious, eyebrow raising as he went to respond, only stopping when a cough dragged his attention sideways. Hen was looking at him with wide eyes, shaking her head before motioning not to fight it.  
“That's right, coming up six months! Congratulations on not killing each other yet, guys!”  
Everyone just shot a soft glare Chim's way, partially ignoring him as Eddie turned and tried to think of a place to take them for their apparent six month anniversary.  
Who even celebrated the months? Years are bigger milestones, especially when they clearly liked each other way before Eddie actually asked him out for the first time. For Christ sake they were even living together, had been since the end of summer just before Chris had to go back to school. Why were a couple months of them just being official cause for celebration?  
“I was thinking that we could finally hit the zoo that you’ve been promising since I moved in.”  
“The zoo?”  
Hen’s voice was filled with something akin to horror, eyes bulging from her head as she dropped her fork.  
Buck turned toward her in confusion, eyes piercing at her with wonder at why she hated the idea.  
“What? Me and Chris have been begging-”  
He turned back to Eddie with that same look, voice trailing off quickly as Hen shook her head and pulled out her phone.  
“No, Buckaroo. You don’t bring Christopher on a date and you don’t go to the zoo when you deserve nothing short of a fancy restaurant with a little party to celebrate later in the evening. I am texting you the name of a place so nice you will thank me later.”  
“Wait- why can’t Chris go on our date? It's a family-”  
“Come on, Diaz. Even I know you don’t bring your kid on an anniversary. You guys need to have a night out, enjoy some quiet and just.. Be.”  
Chimney spoke as if it was obvious, the couple turning toward Bobby who only shoved another bite of salad in his mouth.  
“Me and Athena never bring the kids on a date, can’t help you, boys.”  
Shaking his head he picked up his fork, smiling softly as Buck began to bicker back despite the fact that they clearly lost. They haven’t really had just a two of them date, even their first being a trip to visit Chris at his summer camp. The kids had cooked veggies they picked themselves and cooked their parents a nice dinner, with help of course. Buck loved it, Eddie loved it, they talked about it all the way home and then just watched a movie before crashing for the night. They weren’t a couple that made everything emotional and over the top dramatic, it just wasn’t them.  
But, he had to admit, looking across the way at the man he loved did bring some ideas to the table. He could already imagine the reflection of candle light sparkling in those blue eyes, a smile just for him with no distraction, no tic tac toe across the kids menu, not even the same Disney soundtrack in the car over again for the fifth time that week. Maybe he could do this, Buck deserved it after all.

It wasn’t until a few days later that the idea of arguing came up again, Eddie storming through the field with hot-white enmity coursing through his blood stream. He swore his face grew hot with the strength of it, eyes tracking every person until they locked on the body he was aiming for.  
“What the hell was that?”  
His voice boomed, causing the team to shoot a look in his direction; but he paid no mind as he barreld his way as close to the man as he could get. Hands tightened into the familiar uniform, slamming the man into the side of the ambulance with a growl strong enough to shake the ground.  
“Eddie-”  
“What the hell were you thinking? Are you trying to get yourself killed? Your team killed?”  
The face scanned his in fear for just a second before flashing with a mirroring cover, fighting against his hands as an evenly angry tone shot back.  
“I was doing my job! If I didn’t get to that kid in time-”  
“That kid had a possible bomb on him that could have blown you into pieces! You rushed head first before coming up with a plan and could have gotten all of us killed!”  
He was seething at this point, pushing the frame against the surface harsher as hands landed heavily on his shoulder.  
“He didn’t have a bomb on him, you aren’t my boss, and I don’t have to listen to this!”  
The hands against his chest surprised him, pushing him just far enough for escape, before Eddie could follow the hand on him tightened, head turning to see Bobby shaking his head in an order.  
“Cool off, Diaz. That way.”  
“But, Cap-”  
“Now.”  
Shaking his head he tore himself from the grip, storming off in the opposite direction without as much as a glance back.

The foul mood followed him all the way until they got home, his legs pacing across the floor until familiar headlights fluttered through the windows. He tried calming himself down, Chris was asleep down the hall, but the moment keys pushed into the lock he was swinging the door open. He barely had time to catch the falling weight before he dragged him in and slammed the door shut behind them.  
Buck was still in shock at the welcome, standing in place as Eddie stormed across the floor just a few feet away before turning around.  
“What the hell were you thinking out there?”  
“What are-”  
“You could have gotten yourself hurt! Killed!”  
“Eddie.. I thought we were past this-”  
With a sigh of annoyance he dropped his keys in the bowl next to the door, removing his jacket and reaching for the hook on the wall.  
“Past this? How the fuck can we be past this?”  
The curse must have thrown the man for a loop, blond hair swivering around with a surprised look planted in his features.  
“Jesus, Eddie! Calm down! I was literally doing my job, no one got hurt! What's the matter with you?”  
“What's the matter with me? I could have lost you today! And don’t say I didn’t, that doesn’t help the matter that you jumped in front of a possible bomber! You have people that depend on you now! A son, me, a team! What would have happened if you got caught in the crossfire! If you got someone killed because of your reckless decision!”  
“I wasn’t reckless, Eddie. I was trained for this, I know what the hell I am doing, I’m not an idiot despite what you may think! I assessed the situation, I followed through with my orders and I disarmed a possible threat!”  
“While risking your life-”  
“This is my life! I wouldn’t risk multiple people getting hurt so I can live scratch free! I know I have people to come home to, although sometimes it doesn’t feel that way at all!”  
As the man brushed past him he felt the slam of a shoulder against his, anger spiking beyond control as he spun around and spat.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“You know what it means, throwing me against the ambulance like that? Treating me like I’m a child! I am a damn adult who makes my own choices! You have no right telling me what I can and can’t do!”  
“I wouldn’t have to if you followed orders!”  
“I’m done with this conversation.”  
“We aren’t done until I say we’re done!”  
“That's where you’re wrong, you aren’t in charge of me. I’m going to bed.”  
With a slam of his fist against the couch the man was gone, stomps filling the silence of the hallway as Eddie threw his fist through the air. The pure panic was beginning to take over his anger, neither of which calming him down in any way.

“I don’t know what to do, Mads. He’s so angry all the time. I know, I have tried talking to him, but he just lashes out at me.”  
The voice was soft, almost unrecognizable as it filtered in through the back door. Buck tried to keep quiet, but as Eddie walked toward the glass he heard the concerns flooding through him like a broken faucet. He knew he had been snappy lately, however controlling it had always been his issue. He had to keep everything together, there had to be control.  
“I know he’s not, I just can’t help but feel like I’m .. I know.”  
Pulling back the curtain he knocked on the window, watching the man spin around and recognize who was behind him. Hanging up he pushed himself off the lounger and reached for the sliding door.  
“What?”  
“I think we need to talk.”  
“Unless it’s about therapy I don’t want to.”  
Brushing past him he headed toward the kitchen, the sound of the fridge opening the only one traveling through the house.  
They had a quiet day, with Chris at school and them both having a day off it was almost dangerous. Buck had woken up, went for a run and Eddie just sat on their bed without a single idea of how to approach their situation. He took a shower, did some laundry, even made reservations for that restaurant Hen suggested, but no part of him felt any bravery approaching the bigger issue at hand.  
“Babe, I don’t need therapy. Honest. I think I just hit a rough patch, things have been moving fast and I am a little slow at catching up.”  
“What, us? Are we moving too fast?”  
“No! No, that's not what I meant. You know I love you, I just feel like life is zooming by and I have no control.”  
“Control has always been your biggest struggle, there's nothing wrong with admitting your faults and talking to someone about it.”  
“I talk to you-”  
“Nice try, but I am not qualified.”  
The man poured a glass of juice, putting the carton back in the fridge before turning toward his partner. He leaned back against the counter and wrapped an arm around his middle before taking a quick sip.  
“You don’t need to be qualified, I just need..”  
He wasn’t even sure what he needed at this point, words falling flat as he mirrored the posture on the other side of the room.  
They sat quietly for a little bit, just staring at each other before Buck dropped his cup in the sink with a frown.  
“You know there’s nothing wrong with talking about it. When I ended things with Abby I struggled, but eventually talked about it with the team. I talked about the fire truck accident with somebody after it happened. It helps more than you think, takes the weight off your shoulders.”  
“You have someone in mind?”  
The caving in shocked his boyfriend into silence, eyes wide before a smile took over his face and he turned toward their medicine cabinet. The immediate rambles took over the kitchen, quick and easy assurances as he drew out a card and bounced across the tiled floor.  
“This is who Bobby recommended me for last time, he is really good!”  
The pros and cons spilled from his lips with every breath he took, but Eddie didn’t pay attention to them. He simply smiled warmly, using his fingers to brush the curls from across his forehead as the other arm pulled the vibrating frame forward. He just stared into the face ahead of him with gratefulness that he was still here and couldn’t help but drop a kiss against the skin his fingers just grazed.  
Maybe he could do this.

“So where are you taking me?”  
“That, mi amor, is a surprise.”  
“You know, technically our six month was on the twenty-first. So, being two days late you should tell me.”  
“Technically, being three days away from thanksgiving I shouldn’t even be paying for such a big meal.”  
“Oh shut it, you know all we’re bringing is some pie from the grocery store.”  
They chuckled at the words, hands intertwined as Buck looked out the window for any recognizable streets.  
“I think they expected it, Bobby didn’t even question it when I told him.”  
“Well, you can’t cook, I can’t focus long enough to make something taste good- I still get made fun of for that casserole I made that one time we went over to tell them we were dating.”  
“You put like a cup of salt in it! I could smell it before I even took a bite.”  
“I just kept forgetting if I put any in! It’s Christopher's fault, I was nervous and he tried to help, but trying to be perfect and trying to watch him just threw everything backward.”  
“Well you don’t need to be perfect,” turning his head he smiled, Buck calming down in the seat before locking their gaze, “when theres a store so close down the road.”  
Jaw dropping he smacked Eddie on the shoulder, pout growing heavily on his lips each time the older man let out another spell of laughter.  
“Here I thought you were a gentleman.”

Getting to the place he kept his hand in Buck’s, following him and the waiter through the path of tables before they finally got to their own. It really was a nice view, the city of Los Angeles lit with so much light it truly did reflect back in his favorite blues next to him. The sight of the man across from him was just as he imagined it and he was genuinely happy in this moment. Even if their son wasn’t here to enjoy it with them.  
“It’s so fancy, I feel out of place here.”  
“What, never been to a restaurant over two stars?”  
“Listen, Edmundo,” he lifted a finger with a dangerous point, eyes squinting in false warning as he joked, “last time I was at one of these I choked on the food and had to have a pen jammed in my throat.”  
He almost choked on his spit, hands covering his face in an attempt to hide his laughter.  
“What?”  
“I was nervous! The stupid bread just wouldn’t-”  
“You choked on the bread? Buck, was there even a date?”  
The redness of his face was adorable, clearly embarrassed as he shook his head and rubbed a hand across the back of his neck.  
“No, I uh, had to go to the ER.”  
Their laughter was interrupted at the menus dropped in front of them, Eddie composing himself as they quickly ordered their drinks. He got what he hoped would be a good wine, before shaking his head at the familiar basket being placed on the table.  
“Maybe we shouldn’t eat the bread.”  
With a wink the other broke into hysterics, drawing eyes toward them as they both avoided the bread for the entirety of the evening.

“So, have you talked to the therapist, yet?”  
Cutting into his steak he shook his head, avoiding the peering gaze he knew was looming over his head.  
“That’s okay, I only gave you the number a few days ago. Just, you’re going to go, right?”  
Looking up he nodded, taking a bite as he mumbled a promise to follow through.  
“Maybe we can do these more often, not like, spending a hundred bucks each time, but, getting out alone to talk about things without small ears beside us.”  
“Like a date night?”  
“Like a date night! We can hit so many places, try everything!”  
“I’m starting to think I opened Pandora's box here, making you love food more than me, Buckley.”  
“Well, I mean.”  
Shaking his head he took another bite, looking around the room and locking eyes on a cheesy proposal behind them. At the sounds, Buck also turned, smiling widely before clapping along with the rest of the room. Eddie knew he wanted to marry this man, it was no question, but he also didn’t want to push anything too quickly.  
Although he knew his feelings what felt like years ago, they had only been dating officially for six months. The idea of Abby coming back forced him to finally ask and by the time they got over their stupor in the middle of the station, they were basically married. Buck was so excited, they planned to immediately visit Christopher that weekend and stopped by a cheap little cafe on the way to ‘remember’ their first date. But, they don’t mention it much, they just felt like a family when Chris was there too. It just made more sense with the three of them versus any of them being left behind.  
“If you ever propose to me like that, Eds, I will slap you with this spoon.”  
Pulled from his thoughts he locked eyes with those above his, straightening to see the blond shaking his head in refusal.  
“Who said I have to do it?”  
With a scoff he dug back into his food, leaving Eddie to quickly jump back in the conversation.  
“Why wouldn’t you want that?”  
“It’s just not us, we aren’t flashy people. Not like Maddie and Chim.”  
Breathing out a chuckle he was quick to fix his grip on his fork, trying to remember that disaster all those months ago.  
“Listen, I thought it was cute.”  
“He put it in the cake! We couldn’t eat the damn thing because he forgot what slice and everyone was covered in frosting. It was a disaster.”  
“Hey, but don’t forget the-”  
“The crowd? He invited literally everyone we know. It was overcrowded and loud and-”  
“And happy! She loved it, actually wouldn’t stop talking about it for weeks.”  
“No ones going to know we’re engaged, it’s literally going to be in your sleep and you’ll wake up with the damn thing on your finger.”  
“Diaz, I will walk out that door.”  
“Okay, okay. Speaking of, how is your sister doing?”  
The topic of his sister's pregnancy broke through the noise, silverware clanking against the plate as he desperately reached into his pocket for his phone. His smile was radiant and literally glowing, drawing his attention to the phone which now held more pictures of his sister's stomach in plain view.  
“You have to stop asking her for these, it’s kind of creepy.”  
“Look! She’s so big! I’m gonna be an uncle, Eds!”  
Forcing the phone in his face, Eddie was forced to gently drop his fork, reaching out to grab the phone with a soft turn of his lips. He stared at the picture for a second before handing it back, nodding his amusement.  
“Almost seven months, she’s very close.”  
“They aren’t finding out the gender, but I know it’s a girl. It’s little Evie right there.”  
“Don’t you dare tell her to name her child Evie.”  
“Already did,” with a smirk he stared back at the screen, nodding his approval before placing it down on the tablecloth. He looked so proud of himself and Eddie couldn’t help but just nod along.  
“She said no, but I don’t care. It’s happening.”  
“Is that something you would want?”  
Looking up he raised an eyebrow, tilting his head in confusion.  
“For it to be a girl? I’ve been saying this for months-”  
“No, to have another kid.”  
The silence was short lived, Buck only faltering for a second before shrugging his shoulders.  
“I don’t know, I guess I never really thought about it. Chris is perfect enough for me and with our line of work I don’t know if I’d ever have time for a bigger family.”  
Throwing his hand over the other he dropped his gaze, locking eyes.  
“Was that ever anything you wanted to do?”  
“With my parents, no. I don’t ever want a family if it was like that.”

Buck had never talked about his family, throwing him for a loop as he tried to process what those words meant. It was just nothing they brought up, he knew it was rocky, but never fully got a picture of what went down between the Buckleys.  
“When did you guys fall out? When you signed up?”  
“Quite literally, the moment I signed up for life.”  
That shut him up quickly, hand tightening on the others forcing him to look up with a forced smile.  
“My parents never cared for me much, never wanted me around. From as far back as I could remember I was a mistake, someone they never cared for having. Me and Maddies age difference, it was clear to see why, I was just getting into middle school by the time she moved out. Signing up for the Navy was just an escape.”  
“Well, that doesn’t matter now. You have your new family. Bobby’s basically your dad.”  
Pulling his hand away he went back to his meal, ignoring the dropped jaw as more embarrassment flushed across his skin.  
“No he’s not- I don’t-”  
“Oh please, you have him wrapped around your finger. You could call him pops and he wouldn’t even bat an eye. Matter of fact, hasn’t he called you son?”

The dinner was really a refreshment for them both, they talked about it for days after, even getting scolded to just ‘shut up about it already’ by the team. It was already thanksgiving now, the small trio running around the house trying to get themselves ready to head over in the next few minutes. Buck was struggling with his tie, Chris with his laces and by the time Eddie finally found his keys they were minutes away from arriving late.  
“Are you guys ready, yet?”  
He heard giggles around the corner, rolling his eyes before making his way quickly down the hall.  
“We don’t have time for this, Bobby said we had to be there by four!”  
Getting to the child's bedroom he froze in place, looking around for the two before hearing even more giggles farther down.  
“Hello? Are you even listening to me!”  
With a soft smile he checked the bathroom, purposely ignoring the new mirror with all his strength and shutting the door again.  
“Buck!”  
Their bedroom door was open, leading him inside and across the carpet until the doorknob of the bathroom was in his hand. He twisted and pushed it open, words falling from his lips at the sight of Christopher ‘helping’ Buck with his tie.  
“What are you guys doing?”  
“Chris is helping me with my tie.”  
The smile was wide, obviously full of mock seriousness as Eddie took a glance at his watch. Buck wasn’t even close to being ready, shoes nowhere to be seen and watch lying unfastened across the counter.  
“I told you we had to leave in the next half hour, we’re going to be late.”  
Reaching up he tugged the child off the counter, reaching for his collar and gently rearranging it into place.  
“It doesn’t matter if we are late, Eds. They said four thirty is fine-”  
“He said four.”  
Cutting the man off he grabbed his son's hand, motioning them toward the hallway as he checked his watch again.  
“Eddie- seriously?”  
Turning around he saw the smile sliding off the others face, his hands in the air relaying the slight annoyance in his tone.  
“We were just having some fun.”  
“Fun? I am so glad you’re having fun, now lets go before you make us any later than we already are.”  
Continuing to drag the small wrist further down the hall he once again passed the hallway bathroom, trying hard not to peek inside as he had been avoiding it for who knows how long now. The memories of that night rose a sense of urgency seeing as he still hadn’t called the number on that card. His boyfriend had asked multiple times, trying to get an answer which escalated the situation rather quickly each time.  
“Daddy- I have to pee!”  
“Can you hold it until we get to Harry’s house?”  
“Buck said he would help me after we fixed his tie.”  
Shaking his head he frowned, turning toward their bedroom only to see Buck shutting the door. His only option was the half-bath, aiming the smaller frame into the doorway with another check of his watch.  
“Be quick, Chris, we have to leave now.”  
“I will!”  
The giggles should have lightened the mood, but the longer he watched his reflection in the mirror the more anxious he grew. It wasn’t until the door was shut that he finally took a breath, fixing the sleeves across his arm as he headed back to their bedroom.  
“Buck!”  
“Give me a second! Go grab the pies from the fridge, I will be right out!”  
Cursing he almost laughed at the forgotten deserts, racing to the kitchen and opening the fridge. Eyeing around he frowned, turning toward the island and looking around for any signs of the packaging. There seemed to be no sight of them, Buck bought them last night and was supposed to put them here.  
“Babe, where did you put the pies?”  
Feet emerged from the hallway, voice checking on Chris before stepping into the room as he tucked in his shirt.  
“I never touched them, where did you put them when you brought them in?”  
“What do you mean brought them in? You got them yesterday.”  
Stepping behind him he peeked in next to Eddie, going still as he shook his head.  
“No, you said you were getting them in the afternoon.”  
“What? No, babe I said I was grabbing Christopher from Denny’s! You were supposed to stop and grab them at the store!”  
By this point he was growing completely agitated, glancing at the clock on the wall as he slammed the door shut.  
“This is just great, the only store that's gonna be open is way out of the-”  
“It’s fine, Eddie, we can make it if we leave now, Maddie and Chim aren’t even going to be there until five.”  
“You had one job, Buck.”  
Storming from the kitchen he left the man behind, reaching the bathroom and opening the door with as little force as possible. Chris was washing his hands, water splashing everywhere, more pointedly across his shirt.  
“Chris- what are you doing?”  
He tried so hard to keep his calm, fists curling at his sides as he took in the mess that would take at least another chunk of time to fix.  
“I’m washing my hands!”  
Sighing heavily he turned off the water, reaching for a cloth and shoving them gently in the smaller hands.  
“You made a huge mess, mijo. Look at your shirt! We’re going to have to change it-”  
“Buck says it's okay to make a mess, it will dry!”  
“Yeah, well Buck makes a lot of messes he thinks he can dry up. Unfortunately for us, we have to clean it up after him.”  
Turning to exit the room he bumped into another body, whipping around to see Buck with hurt smeared heavily across his face.  
“Eddie-”  
“Move, he needs to change his shirt, apparently it’s okay to make messes as long as you okay it, right?”

By the time everything was ready to go they had fifteen minutes to get to Bobby and Athena’s. Buck had left, probably to start the car and as he carried Chris out the door he noticed Buck on the phone off to the side. The frame looked tense, tie loosened around his neck as he took a step further into the yard.  
Eddie quickly buckled his son in the back seat, mumbling under his breath in anger causing small hands to rest on his cheeks.  
“Daddy, why are you mad?”  
“Because we are going to be late if we don’t hurry, you know I don’t like being late.”  
“I don’t like you being mean.”  
Shooting up his gaze he forced a smile, tilting his head as he clicked in the buckle.  
“Mean? I never meant to be mean to you, buddy. I’m sorry.”  
“Not to me, to Buck.”  
Fighting the urge to roll his eyes he breathed deeply through his nose, shaking his head as he stepped back out of the vehicle.  
“I’m not being mean to Buck, mijo. He just forgot something and I was a little upset. We’re okay.”  
Shutting the door he kept his smile, only letting it fall as he turned around to see Buck standing a few feet away.  
“You ready?”  
Reaching for his own handle he got in his seat, the car already started as he shut his door and rolled his window down. Buck looked emotionless, head down as he reached up to scratch the back of his neck.  
“You know, I’m not really feeling good, Eddie. I don’t think I’m gonna go.”  
“What- babe, that's not funny. Get in the car, we still have to stop at the store-”  
“Really, I just don’t feel good and Maddie can’t get sick, neither can Nia. I think i’m just going to stay here.”  
Before he could say a word the man was already at the porch, hand scrubbing across his eyes just as the door shut. Eddie felt his stomach drop, hand falling into the steering wheel as he fell heavily into the seat.  
“You hurt Buck’s feelings, daddy.”  
“He’ll survive, let’s go.”

Getting to the house Eddie checked his watch as he helped his son from his seat, they were about ten minutes late, street just filling with cars as he quickly turned to head inside. He had Chris in charge of the grocery bag, but as he turned to grab his hand the kid was still standing next to the closed door.  
“Chris, buddy let’s go.”  
“No.”  
Actually allowing the eye roll he walked back down the grass, dropping in front of his son with a pleading look on his face.  
“They’re all inside waiting on us-”  
“Buck’s not inside.”  
“Buck wasn’t feeling well-”  
“Buck was upset because you were mean!”  
The boy looked genuinely upset, tears welling in his eyes as he dropped the bag to the floor, Eddie felt his own heart clench at the sight, mentally berading himself as he grabbed his son's shoulders.  
“Hey, cariño, look at me. Look at me.”  
Gently lifting the boy's chin he flinched at the first sob, fist tightening at his side in regret.  
“Chris..”  
“You get mad and hurt people's feelings! It’s thanksgiving and Buck should be here with us at Harry’s house! He wanted to have fun with us!”  
His hands trembled at the words, hearing footsteps behind him as tears threatened to swell behind his own eyes. Thinking back he knew he was in a mood, however he didn’t realize how bad it was until his own kid was calling him out on his behavior.  
“Hey, guys! What’s going on?”  
The crying only grew, his lips pressing against the small forehead before shaking his head in resentment at himself.  
“Okay, mijo, how about you go inside with Chimney and I will go home and get Buck?”  
Looking up the boy nodded, rubbing the wetness of his eyes away despite the constant flow flooding down his cheeks.  
“And say sorry.”  
“And say sorry.” He echoed.  
The hand on his shoulder was gentle, steering his attention away for a second as he stood up.  
Chimney looked knowingly at him, nodding toward the car with a small smile on his face.  
“Go ahead, I’ll take him inside.”  
“Thanks, Chim. Tell them I will be back no later than an hour.”

Getting to the house he turned off the engine, noticing the darkened lights with a frown on his lips. Self-hatred was swirling through his veins as he thought about the night so far, remembering the things he said. Buck didn’t deserve any of that, he didn’t do anything wrong. Afterall, Eddie was the one lying, the one refusing to go to that damn therapist even though he promised.  
Before he could change his mind he stepped out of the car, heading toward the front door and quickly stepping inside. As he shut it behind him he headed toward the bedroom, looking around, yet not seeing any hint of the blond. The bathroom was empty too, although as he stepped into the closet he frowned at the absent clothing on the shelves. His whole body shot backward, immediately turning and heading back down the hallway.  
“Buck!”  
The name shook as it fell from his lips, hands shaking as he looked through the kitchen, the living room, even the garage where the jeep was still parked to the left side.  
“Buck!”  
It wasn’t until he ran by the back door that he saw a glimpse of blue, backing his steps until he faltered against the handle. There, on the grass he saw his boyfriend, head in his hands as he stared at a half packed suitcase. It had a couple t-shirts, pants, pictures and socks, everything else sprawled across the yard as if it was thrown in a spell of anger. The man’s body was shaking, it was obvious he was crying and before he could stop himself he was opening the door and stepping into the backyard.  
Each sob broke his heart, knees falling to the ground as he pulled the trembling form harshly into his hold. It was the saddest hug he had ever felt, arms not even holding back as he shook his head against the back of the man’s neck.  
“I can’t do this anymore, Eddie.”  
The voice was raspy, soaked in pain as he leaned heavier into the embrace.  
“Mi amor, I am so sorry-”  
“You promised me this would stop, you promised me you would see that therapist.”  
The crack in his tone broke him down further, both now in a mess of emotions.  
“I know, I know I did and I will-”  
“You won’t. I know you won’t and I always pushed myself to believe that you would, but you won’t!”  
“First thing tomorrow, I swear. You can come with me-”  
“I shouldn’t have to go with you, you should want it for yourself. If I have to force it, this is never going to work.”  
“What do you mean this is never going to work? Buck-”  
“I hate it when you are angry.”  
“I know-”  
“I hate it when you’re angry, because my dad was angry.”  
He froze at the words, going silent at the implication as he tugged the body tighter into his chest.  
“He was so angry and he told my mom he would stop, then the drinking started. Then he would hit me, it was just one time that turned into ten times, then a hundred times and then it never stopped. It was every day, no one helped me, not even my mom. They took everything out on me until I had nothing left to fight for, no one else to go to. I was alone and now- Now I feel so alone and I shouldn’t feel that way! Not with you.”  
“I am so, so sorry. I didn’t realize- I never should have treated you like that. I need help. I see it now, I need help and if I have to see someone everyday until I die I will, I never wanted to hurt you. The thought of you like this because of me is killing me and I-”  
“I want to forgive you, I love you so much, but I can’t. I can’t forgive you until you prove to me you want to change.”  
“Evan..”  
“I’m going to stay with Maddie. I think we need to take a break.”  
“Evan, mi amor, let me fix this. Give me some time to fix this-”  
Pulling away he watched the younger man stand, turning toward him with a face full of tears as he shook his head in disagreement.

“I have nothing left to give you.”


	2. Chapter 2

_ Tell Christopher I’m sorry. _

Every step up the driveway stabbed the words deeper into his skull, body feeling so heavy he wanted to stop, lie on the ground and never get back up again. He felt every ache weighing further down until the emotions pooled in his shoes like cement and begged him not to go inside that house.   
He could hear all the laughter and celebration, cheers growing his headache worse and he wasn’t sure he could walk in there after the hour he’s had. Remorse was a little voice in his ear, telling him he didn’t deserve the family sitting just on the other side of that door. In this moment he wanted to run in there, end all the fun and make them feel as miserable as he did; But he loved them too much.   
Throughout his life he tried so hard to have a family, to settle down with the right person and live the best life he could. Each sunday he would visit his parents, they would hold his kids and they would be proud of him and everything he accomplished. The words he heard wouldn’t be ones that tore him down and begged him to give up his son, but support him to go on and be free from all of his self-deprecating thoughts.   
However, that was all nonexistent. It was washed away and he now stood in front of Bobby’s door, trying to pull any thoughts together to form a reason on why Buck wasn’t standing next to him. 

Christopher was going to hate him. 

Eddie had already lost his mother, forced her away and now he crossed out another person the child saw as a parental figure. He could already see the tears and hear each labored breath as his son asked him why no one loved him long enough to stay. Why his dad was such a bad person that no one seemed to want to be around.  
That thought alone rigged his mind with memories of Buck leaving, the jeep packed with suitcases as it took off down the street with no promise to ever come back to him. Buck was so heartbroken, cries splintering his heart into millions of pieces that dripped onto the ground everywhere he went. If he turned he around he may even have been able to see small shards lining up the driveway from his drivers side door.

By the time he found the will to open the front door he immediately felt the rush of energy, warmth and the smell of food wafting in from the downstairs. The smell of turkey almost had him on the ground, Buck’s words of how much he begged for that damn bird chipping away a piece of his soul. He only stepped far enough to see the crowd in front of the TV, pulling paper from a hat to act them out in teams. His eyes wandered until he saw his son, right in the middle smiling so widely he might as well leave and let the boy enjoy his night with someone who could keep him happy.   
But, things had to be tough sometimes and within seconds the boy's eyes narrowed onto his. That smile disappeared within seconds and he felt like he knew it was the last time he would see it for a while. The color drained from the boy's face as he desperately searched for a second shadow, any sign of his best friend walking down those steps next to his father. When that didn’t happen his eyes grew too shiny and he was down the hall before Eddie could blink. The sound of crutches speeding away made him feel heartless and devastation rode him in waves. Maddie was first to notice the escape, holding her stomach as she quickly took off next, calling his name with worry high in her tone. Chimney tried calling her back, pushing himself up only to stop at the sight of Eddie standing on the top step. They shared only one look, but it was more than enough and arms were around him before he could say anything. 

“Where did he go?”  
“Your place, said he needed some space away.”  
His hand hovered over his beer, unwilling to drink it, but not having the heart to tell his captain to take it away. All he could hear was Buck’s sob filled voice, telling him ‘then the drinking started.’ The idea of him becoming like that terrified him, made him never want to touch another drink as long as he lived.   
He felt a hand drop on his, lights flickering around the back patio as he continued to stare painfully at the glass on the table. Everything just felt numb, like he let everyone down and he harshly shook his head as another hand fell on his shoulder. By the grip he knew it was Hen and she was always such a loving shoulder to lean on.   
“This is my fault. I made a promise I couldn’t keep. I ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me on a day where we’re supposed to be grateful for what we have. And now he’s locked in a house probably crying and I-”  
He cut himself off, hand clenching the top of the bottle so tight that the hand atop his lowered to wrap more securely around his own.   
“He’s not alone. Maddie and Athena went down to check on him.”  
“I’m sorry guys, I brought this-”   
“Don’t apologize, it’s okay. Life goes on, even on holidays. This is a perfect time to realize what’s important, to get the help you deserve.”   
“I don’t deserve anything, this anger- it’s what pushes me over the edge. I thrive for it and I don’t even know why. It ruins everything I have, yet I can’t seem to let it go.”  
Dropping his head he felt the hand pull off his, a chair scraping against the floor as he let his weight fall into his fist. He could feel his breaths shallowing as a weight fell down beside him, trying to speak to him but he refused to focus on it. The only thing running through his mind was Buck’s face when he left and Christopher’s face when he returned without him. 

The card in his wallet was burning a hole in his pocket, trying to get him to grab the damn thing and call the number. Part of him knew he needed to, to sort himself out for everyone around him. He couldn’t keep living like this, losing people, and he sure as hell couldn’t lose his best friend. It would be ten times harder if he couldn’t fix himself and then had to continue working side by side with the person he loved most but could never have again.   
He wouldn’t turn out like the man’s father, he had no idea about the Buckley parents, but becoming a quarter of how monstrous they were shook him to his core. Treating their kid like that... he would give up Christopher before he even thought about raising a fist in that child's direction. If he had known about these little things, the possibility that Buck thought he was going to hit him- he wouldn’t even have hesitated about calling that number. It sounds awful that he needed a reason such as that, but the fact that he made his boyfriend so scared pinched him into place. It was one thing to dent his soul with sadness, but another to scratch it with the dread of coming home and he would never be able to forgive himself for this. 

“Eddie, look at me.”   
A hand under his chin directed his gaze upward, forcing his view on Bobby who looked as determined as ever. He could tell the tone was strong, the familiar feeling of captain orders coming down to end whatever he had going on in his head.   
“You can do this, you can get help. It will be hard, you will struggle, but we- this team? We will be here every single step of the way. Don’t do this for Buckley, don’t do this for your son, do this for you. Make yourself better because you want to be better and do right by them. Let yourself be happy. We will always have your back.”

By the time he was ready to leave he dreaded the idea of having to find his son. The hallway leading to Harry’s room was unnaturally dark, giving him too much time to think as he tried to figure out what he was going to say. He couldn’t focus on a single thought, millions bouncing off each other in every direction until eventually it all turned blank.   
Opening the door he quickly found the boy sitting on the bed, surrounded in stuffed animals and smiling in a way Eddie knew wasn’t real. It didn’t reach his eyes at all and his face was red and blotchy from how many tears he must have shed while talking to his Aunt Maddie. With all the other kids surrounding him he knew the boy was trying to hold himself together and as he rubbed his sleeve against his eyes the itch proved he would probably fall apart again soon.  
For as long as he could remember, Christopher was always such a generous kid. He had a feeling it was why him and Buck had connected so quickly and so strongly. That boy would move mountains for anyone and if he noticed any frown from across the room he would be the first one to get off his feet. He had to take a second look sometimes just to make sure that this boy was really his son. 

“Hey, mijo. Are you ready to go home?”   
The eyes that shot up to his weren’t angry, just heartbroken as he nodded and May helped him off the bed. All the little eyes followed his path as he made his way to his dad, and he could only put on a soft smile, rubbing his back as they began their way down the hall.  The sight of all the abandoned games and snacks had his heart in his throat and he told himself he wasn’t going to cry, but he felt so much guilt pooling in his lungs. He wanted to breathe out another apology, but the way his team eyed him he just nodded before making his way out the front door. 

The quest for words followed them all the way home, there was no music in the car, not even the familiar Disney soundtrack. The boy didn’t talk, he didn’t hum to himself like he normally did. No feet kicked his seat, of course the only reason they ever did was because he watched the man in the passenger and constantly broke out in some sort of laughter. At this point he forced himself to double check to make sure the boy was still in the backseat and angled the mirror a little to the side. Part of him wanted to reassure the boy that he was still here, but the posture was so heartbreaking and he stayed silent at the head hanging low enough to hide away his face. It looked almost like he was asleep, but Eddie knew he wasn’t. 

Not this time.  
Reaching their destination, it didn’t quite feel like home anymore. They stepped into the silent house without the normal excitement, there was no Buck running around the corner with a smile and hug for the two of them. It felt completely void of warmth and love, how a home should feel when you take that first breath inside.   
Turning he pushed the button on his keys, locking the car door so nothing else could be taken from them. He would have parked in the garage, but the first words his son spoke to him was that the garage was Buck’s spot and he couldn’t park there. He said ‘Bucky would come back and when he did he needed a place to park.’ So Eddie parked in the normal part of the driveway, helped the boy from his seat and they made their way inside painfully slow.   
By the time he finally shut the door he was pulling his son close, vision blurring with tears as he brought them to the floor in a puddle of misery. They were both smothered in their own tears once again and before he could stop himself he was making more stupid promises he would regret later. One’s he wasn’t sure he would be able to keep.

“It’ll be okay, Christopher. He still loves you, I love you and we are going to figure things out. I promise, I love you so much.”

  
  


Waking up the next morning quickly proved that not much had or was going to change. Chris wanted cereal for breakfast, eating it silently before they both sat themselves down in front of the TV. The young eyes were locked on the cartoon for what felt like an eternity, laughing quietly at the parts he thought were funny and humming painfully low at the musical numbers. He was lost in his own world and there was no sign of his usual spastic son who was always talking and making everyone around him smile. There were no questions about the fact that Buck still wasn’t here and he barely paid mind to the adult next to him struggling with life altering decisions.  
The father had his back pressed against the cushions, feet locked on the floor as he held a small piece of paper in front of him. They were locked in a stare, hand on his knee tapping vigorously as each word jumped out at him threatening everything he held so close. 

_ Justin Furlow _

_ 10970 Santa Monica Blvd. _

_ Los Angeles, CA 90025 _

Even the name shook him to his core. It was a trauma counselor, someone who worked with anxiety and depression on and off the field. This man seemed to be a survivor of so many things, Buck had told him so, and part of him thought his situation was so watered down in comparison. Despite being told not to, he couldn’t help but think maybe he didn’t deserve this. His issues stemmed from his own decisions, he let everyone down on his own accord and he broke all the rules. He wasn’t forced into this from the day he was born, he wasn’t doomed from the start with a tough life of pain and sorrow.   
He broke everything he touched, hurt everyone he loved and even as his little boy sat beside him with a smile on his face he knew he had let him down more times that he could count. It was part of the job to a degree and sooner or later he would hurt him for the last time. One day they wouldn’t come back and he would be alone.   
But, before he could rip the card in half he felt a small hand on his knee, turning his head to see Christopher leaning up against him. His hands were shaking and before he could apologize an arm was around his elbow and he was just being held. With tears in his eyes he pressed a kiss on top of the soft curls, closing his eyes and trying to take a deep breath. 

  
  


The next few days were admittedly rough and as hard as it was for him he couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Buck. Having Chris has helped him so much, but Buck was in a place that wasn’t his home surrounded by people in love. He had to watch them act as happy as they once were and during a holiday must have been increasingly difficult to ignore. Eddie has missed him so much it hurt and even sent his son over to say hi over the weekend for a little bit. Eddie told them he could stay the night, but when Maddie came back to drop him off she said Buck couldn’t really handle it at the moment. The guilt on his face was instant, but she quickly assured him that her brother had other things going on and he didn’t blame Eddie.   
The thought fueled him for his first therapy session, bright and early Monday morning right after he dropped Chris at school. He had a shift later as well, the first day back busier than any normal, but it helped to keep him out of his head alone in his house.   
“Mr. Diaz, nice to meet you. I’m Justin, ready to get started?”  
“Eddie, please.”  
“Alright, Eddie. What do you feel brings you in here today?”

  
And didn’t that start the spiderweb on the largest dam he found existed.

  
  


Stepping into the firehouse he changed before anything, throwing on his uniform and tuning out the world if just for a quick minute. He took a second to breathe, sitting on the bench and staring at Buck’s locker for a pathetic amount of time before finishing up tying his shoes and heading up the stairs. He could hear the team arguing about something and as he hit the last step he was immediately drawn into the middle of it.   
“Diaz! Perfect timing, come break a tie for us.”  
The simplicity soothed his nerves, a small smile rising on his face as he sat on a chair and listened to their pleads. It was obviously a stupid situation and when Chimney lost his face was as priceless as ever. He practically hollered his refusal to back down as Hen smacked him on the back of the head with a wide grin on her face.   
“Oh please, you know damn well that's why you were called Chimney. No matter how much you try to change it we know the true reason was because of that-”  
Her voice cut off, smile growing softer as she looked toward the stairs and quickly called out for the newcomer.   
“Buck! Haven’t I missed your pretty face around here!”  
Forcing himself not to turn he shot his gaze up at Bobby, the man giving him a soft nod before stepping away from his view as well.  
“How was your weekend, son?”  
The tag at the end got stuck in his throat, memories of their date just a week ago making it especially hard to mind his own business. He knew there was no point in acting like a jerk, so adjusting himself on the seat he turned until the two locked eyes for a second. He could see the pain still burned into the usually bright blues, now dimmed and distraught as he too fell onto one of the dining chairs. He had darkened circles barely present over his cheeks and the smile was clearly strained as he turned around to the rest of the team.  
“It was good, had some of that turkey, which was amazing.”  
“I knew you’d like it, since you are constantly begging for the meal every holiday it seems.”  
“It’s tradition!”  
The chuckle was nothing more than a rumble of the chest, clearly strained as he tried avoiding the gaze Eddie was currently holding from across the table. 

  
  


Getting back from their calls were no better than the morning. They were obviously paired with different partners this go around, Eddie able to work medic or stunts with Chim instead of the usual Buck. They arrived back at the station and without even realizing it he had stepped from the truck before reaching a hand out, Buck also out of focus as he grabbed the palm and allowed himself to be helped off the ledge. The moment their hands disconnected it stung, a harsh burn shooting down his wrist as the blond hesitated before quickly making his escape. Eddie felt like he should have apologized, but as Hen dropped a hand on his shoulder he knew it was just another obstacle that would find its place soon enough.   
“How was your therapy this morning?”  
The distraction was welcomed, drawing his attention from the locker room Buck was now talking to another teammate in.   
“It was,” he tried to find the words, “a lot more open than I thought it would be.”  
“What do you mean?”  
She directed them to the stairs, keeping their pace steady as he shrugged his shoulders.   
“Well, I forced as much as I could out into the open before I could decide to change my mind about the whole thing.”  
Laughing she aimed him to the pool table, grabbing a stick and thrusting it into his hands.   
“That's one way to do it, see, you got this, Diaz.”  
Everyone who knew Hen knew her laughs were infectious, his smile was painfully tight and before he knew it he was spilling everything across the open space.   
“And that got me thinking about another incident and next thing I knew I was talking about my childhood.”  
“If a room alone with a therapist gets you spilling all the beans I call dibs at the next meeting. There has to be something I can use against you in there.”

  
  
  


It wasn’t until close to two weeks later that Eddie and Buck had any serious communication at all. They worked together, Buck showed up to pick up Christopher, and at get togethers they sat on opposite sides of the couch. It wasn’t awkward, but Eddie was making therapy his sole focus and could already feel something inside him begin to grow. It was almost like a light, widening its rays until he found himself smiling more, taking Chris to more parties with friends and even letting days go by without overthinking every issue that came up. His anger was still there, but he had so many tactics in his back pocket that he was finally able to work through the problem. Each spell of emotion was something he felt he could finally conquer without lashing out or digging into people’s insecurities just to get his point across.   
Justin even had him start a new medication, just a light pill that helped soothe a little bit of the stress and anxiety that in the past seemed to grow ten times the actual need. For the first time in a long time he was calling his family, inviting them down to LA for Christmas and they were delighted, telling him how much he was missed and how excited they were to see everyone. To hear the words gave him hope and a starting point to feel better about himself and the way he was treating others. Even the idea of them coming down for him and not just Christopher raised his self-confidence enough to have him signing up for an extra session a week.

It was just a genuinely happy feeling and it wasn’t until he opened his door to reveal Buck that reality came to a screeching halt. Buck hadn’t been back to the house since their argument, simply waiting in the driveway for Chris to walk on his own and taking off without much of any conversation. Chris still saved his spot in the garage, but it was clear things would take a while for him to be able to come back around and feel safe with Eddie nonetheless have a serious conversation.   
He could feel guilt rising around him like smoke and when he stepped to the side he watched the blond step into the house with eyes immediately taking in everything that still remained in the same place. The subtle differences made the blond smile, he saw the reaction to more artwork lying across the tables and evidence of cupcake mishaps in the kitchen. 

“No Christmas tree?”  
The man peeked around a few corners, smiling shrinking as he took into account that no, they hadn’t had anything resembling Christmas at all around the house.   
Now that he thought about it he hadn’t really pushed the season onto his son at all, letting him take the reins completely. They had a lot going on behind the scenes and for the first time in his life he had too much on his plate than to worry about any festive spirits.  
“No, he uh, wanted to wait until you got back so we could do it as a family.”  
The man tensed, mouth opening for a second only to close with a quick nod as they made their way to the couch.  
“I have tried explaining that..” he was at a loss for words, falling into the cushions and letting his arms cross into his chest, “you may not be coming back. He just won’t hear it.”  
“Christmas is like ten days away, Eddie. You have to do something.”

The softness of his voice was almost relaxing, despite the way he could tell that Buck was trying not to intrude. It was a hesitant implication, but he knew that Chris was right and Buck did belong here with them to set everything up.   
“I was thinking about doing it when he fell asleep, it’s just something we always did together. I’m hoping after we see Santa he will be too excited to wait any longer.”  
Falling next to him Buck seemed genuinely upset, leaning backward as he shook his head.   
“I don’t want him to miss Christmas because of me-”  
“Hey, don’t think like that. He won’t miss anything, and it won’t be because of you. Besides, my parents are coming down next week anyway, they will have this place shining in no time at all.”  
At that he watched the stunned face whip around, looking at Eddie with a confused smile.   
“Your parents?”  
“Yeah, I called them and asked them if they wanted to come down.”   
“Is everyone okay?”  
He laughed, throwing a hand on Bucks knee with a smile.   
“Everyones fine, I just thought it was time to start opening up a bit more, especially to my family. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and losing you.. It opened my eyes a lot. I don’t want to miss out on relationships and fun memories because of all this anger.”  
Moving his hand he motioned at his head, keeping the smile on his face as he struggled not to pull his best friend back into his arms where he belonged. 

They honestly just stared at each other for a minute, neither knowing what to say until Buck cleared his throat and moved in a little closer.   
“I have been meaning to ask, do you think I can go to the mall with Chris? To see Santa?”  
His eyes widened, part of him wanting to have been there too, but immediately nodding his head. He wanted to give Buck everything and if this is something he felt the need to do, Eddie had a million more chances later.

“Of course, you and him can have the day and-”  
“No,” shaking his head he bit his lip, eyes focused on the hardwood floor beneath, “I meant all three of us.”  
“Oh.” The shock was evident, stirring words around his head as he scrambled for a good response. The fact that he was worried about being denied Christopher threw him for a loop. “Buck, of course. You’re still loved here, welcomed any time. That’s never going to change.”  
“Even if we aren’t together anymore?”  
As much as it killed him he nodded, making a promise he knew would be kept no matter what the circumstance.   
“Even if we aren’t together anymore. He is as much your kid as he is mine.”  
“No- don’t say that. We dated for six months, Eddie-”  
“And we’ve been partners for years. Even if we were better as friends he still loves you as much, if not more than me sometimes. You created a home for him and without you I don’t know who he would have had.”  
Looking up he forced another smile, nodding his head as he reached out for Eddie’s hand.   
“Thank you. It means a lot.. I know how I left was-”   
“No, don’t even say anything. I think you leaving like that was the only thing to get me where I am now. These past few weeks have been eye-opening for me. I miss you- I mean, it’s been hard without you still being here, but I have finally been able to get the help I needed.”  
“Really?”  
“Really, the way I was acting was despicable. I deserved you walking out that door way sooner than you did. I obviously still have a long way to go, but now I have a reason I believe in and nothing can change my mind about that.”  
His eyes shined with hope, hand squeezing around Eddies own as he breathed out a laugh and got to his feet.   
“I’m going to go get some water.”  
“Okay, I’ll be here.”  


He heard the footsteps all the way to the kitchen, cabinet doors opening gently and glasses pressed against the counter. The sound was music to his ears, happiness growing at just the idea of Buck being in the same house as him. A part of him hoped they could fix this, that he could bring himself to make things better, but he also knew not to get his hopes up. The last thing he needed was to make people uncomfortable if they were indeed better as friends. Having buck half the time is better than having him none of the time and he would do anything to keep that relationship alive regardless of how much it was going to hurt. 

“How is therapy going?”  
“It’s actually going really well, tough at times, but I can see where all my anger is stemming from. He's helping me get it out in other ways.”  
“That's good, you seeing Justin?”  
“Yeah, thanks to you.”  
“He helped me a lot after the ladder truck, thought maybe he would be a good start even if you had to move on to someone else.”  
“How about you? Everything okay?”  
The silence was a clear indication that it wasn’t but as he made his way back into the living room he didn’t seem like he wanted to share anything.   
“It will be. I just think a couple things have been opened up since we.. broke up. I-”  
He scratched the back of his head as he looked anywhere but up, sitting farther away on the couch with the cup falling on the table.   
“Do you need someone to talk to?”  
“It’s not that. I just think that maybe losing you both so instantly kind of messed with me. I know you said I didn’t, but I just miss being here I guess.”

  
You could come back. 

He wanted to spit the words out so quickly he went dizzy with the thought, but he needed to hold himself back. Buck had to make that decision on his own, just like he did himself with calling that number on the business card.   
“We miss having you here. Chris is out of school in half an hour if you want to pick him up?”  
He quickly shook his head, “I don’t think that's a good idea. I don’t want him thinking anything is happening, you know? To get his hopes up.”  
Or to get mine up, he thought.

Before he left, they both agreed to meet at the mall on Saturday, it was the first day Santa arrived and Chris had been talking nonstop about it since they told him they were all going together. Walking in the doors he had both men’s hand in each of his own, smiling widely as they made their way toward the main area. Eddie couldn’t help but smile himself, following the kid while also making sure he didn’t fall over without his crutches. Buck had them slung over his shoulder, looking around with a look on his face that screamed relaxed, content with just being out with them. 

“So what are you asking Santa for, Chris?”  
“You know I can’t tell you that.”  
“Come on, you never tell us what you ask for.”  
Buck faked a pout, pulling away to shoot a quick tickle into the boys side. The squeals were music to his ears and as he began hearing the bells just around the corner he smiled.   
“Maybe after this we can think about getting a tree.”  
His voice was drenched in hope, shooting a look to Buck who seemed happy at the question. The smile wasn’t containable as the kid shrugged, speeding up his pace.   
“Maybe, Santa needs a place to leave presents.”  
“And then how about some lights? We can hang them around the house to decorate.”  
“I have to meet Santa first!”  
“Okay, okay, then we can talk about it.”  
  
They left him at his usual spot, heading over to the fountain and sitting comfortably against it. At first he thought it would be in silence, but as a hand slipped in his he heard the soft voice next to him.   
“I know we talked the other day, but I think we should talk about what's going to happen with us, Eddie.”  
Turning his head he frowned, clutching back to the grip with a small sense of urgency.   
“What do you want to happen, Buck?”   
“The way you treated me was not okay, you still have a lot to prove before we can consider being as close as we were.”  
“I know.”  
“I was thinking that maybe we can see someone?”  
A burst of hope bubbled in his stomach, eyes widening as he turned to sit sideways against the surface.   
“Buck-”  
“I still love you and I want to be with you and Chris, but I can’t forget everything that went down between us. I think if there's any chance we need to make sure both of us are happy with ourselves before we can be happy with each other.”  
Nodding he brought his other hand up, resting his palm on the cheek across from him.

“I love you, too. More than anything. Whatever it takes for you to trust me again I will be there, working my ass off to get home to you, Buck.”  
“You promise?”  
There were tears in both their eyes, small, but excited for the chance at trying things again. Eddie felt elated and before he could control himself he brought the man in for a hug. They just held each other, trying to stay in the moment as long as they could before pulling away at the sounds of crutches. 

“Daddy!”  
Twisting his body around he ran his hands over his eyes, smiling widely at his son quickly scrambling his way over.   
“Did you see Santa?”  
“I did!”  
“What did you ask him for?”  
With a smile he tilted his head, looking between them for a second before shaking it. 

“Not gonna tell.”


	3. A Glimpse into Evan Buckley's Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a quick, short snippet of Buck right before their Santa meet. It is a complete copy of the same conversation at Eddie's house, just in Buck's point of view. There is also a lot of Maddie in this, and it's really just meant to even out all the tension so we can see not only Eddie's side of the argument, but also.. the other half of the broken relationship. 
> 
> Like I said, very short, only a good 4k, but I just felt like we are missing some Buck emotion.

He sat on the window seat with his knees against his chest, face pulled into a frown as he stared out into the street. The last few weeks had been rough, really rough and all he wanted to do was go home; But, even he knew it wasn’t the right time no matter how homesick he was.   
Ever since he left the Diaz household a part of him just felt empty, like no matter what he did in this life he would never be worthy enough to have a family of his own. It seemed like everyone around him had someone, a kid or a spouse, yet here he was living with his pregnant sister because he had nowhere else to go. She kept telling him he was welcomed here, that their new house was more than big enough for him to stay as long as he needed, but he felt like he was intruding every time he turned a corner.   
For example, last night he walked in on the couple cuddling on the couch, movie some romantic comedy with the lights dimmed and laughs all around. On Tuesday, he though he heard crying, running down the hall only to find Chim holding his sister to his chest as she sobbed about how much pain she was in from the pregnancy. Sunday? Getting home from dropping off Christopher he interrupted what seemed to be a date night, flashing on the lights and immediately taking notice of all the candles and gifts spread across the dining room table. Maddie had attempted to call him back, telling him it was okay, but he spent the next hour in his car trying not to break down in tears.   
Not being with the boys he loved showed him how alone he truly was. He felt like there was no safe place for him to be able to go to regardless of the time of day or possibly night. 

He was beginning to feel like Red all over again.

“Why are you sitting in the window like a puppy waiting for his owner to come home?”   
Jumping slightly he lifted his head from his knees, turning until his eyes caught on his sister standing with a jut of her hips. Her stomach was held in her hands, eyes shining with exhaustion as she sent him one of her gentle smiles.   
“Just thinking.”  
“That sounds dangerous, maybe talking about it will help?”  
Dragging over a chair she sat within arms length of him, denying the soft blanket he tried to give her as she got comfortable.   
“I’ve been looking for you, usually I just have to listen, but lately you’ve been more quiet than usual.”  
With a sigh he turned back toward the window with a shrug of his shoulders. The fingers in his curls sent a shiver down his spine and within seconds he was melting into the touch.   
“It’s just been lonely, I guess.”  
“Have you gone to talk to Eddie?”  
Shaking his head he didn’t feel like talking about why, although she knew everything that went down already.   
“Maybe you two just need to talk things out? What do you talk about when you drop off Christopher?”  
“I don’t. I just pull into the driveway and let him walk up to the door.”  
“What- Evan. Avoiding the problem isn’t going to fix anything, you have to make the first move. Otherwise, nothing is going to get better.”  
Tightening his arms he really didn’t feel into this conversation, hoping the lack of a response would make his sister change the subject.   
“It’s been almost two weeks since you left him, Buck. Maybe checking in will help clear your head a little bit. No one blames you for taking a step back, regardless of what you are probably throwing around in your head.”  
She pulled at one of his curls, hoping to get a point across as he mumbled about it hurting.   
“Oh please, I used to braid these back in Hershey. Never seemed to hurt you then.”  
“Only because I didn’t say anything.”  
She laughed before pulling her hand away, leaning back in her chair as she directed her gaze out the window as well.   
“Maybe you should see someone too.”

The shock of her words sent him sitting up, turning to face her brown eyes that he noticed were now soaked in worry. He sat up as tall as he could muster, tilting his head as he grabbed her hands and shifted a little closer.   
“Maddie, I am fine. I promise you, if anything starts to feel wrong I will go see someone. This isn’t like after the firetruck.”  
“No, it's not. But it also has taken a toll on you. I can tell you’re lonely, that maybe you feel like you have no one in your corner. I’m your sister, I know how you think.”  
His gaze shot to the ground, wooden floor staring up at him like it was trying to tell him what to say next.   
“Eddie is getting the help that he needs, maybe this period is the perfect time for you to get help too. Before anything moves forward and you start to fall behind.”

Walking up to Eddie’s front door made him more nervous than he probably should have been. Truthfully, he had taken this walk almost five times since they broke things off and this time he thinks he is actually going to knock. The silence proved to him that Christopher was indeed at school, making things a little easier for him to focus on. Before he could change his mind he shivered against the cold, forcing his knuckles against the door before taking a few steps backward. Inside he could hear a few things shuffling around and he didn’t even think about if he was interrupting something inside. Turning, he saw no other cars around and as a thought about running ran through his mind the door began to open.

“Hey Eddie.”   
The man’s face looked shocked, almost as if he didn’t expect to see the blond at all nonetheless at his doorstep. The emotions underlying his face were that of not only surprise, but also worry, making him definitely regret not calling first.   
“Buck. It’s really nice to see you.”  
With the voice as gentle as he was used to he felt the longing begin to bubble in his stomach, hands clawing against his sides to wrap the man in a hug. He wanted nothing more than to just walk in with a smile and claim he was moving back, that everything was fixed and he was finally ready to come home. But, life wasn’t that easy and as he was motioned inside he tried to latch on to every detail of the house he could, just in case he ever became unwelcome here.  
He couldn’t help but take notice of a few changes, smiling at loads of new artwork hanging across the walls with push-pins. Knowing Eddie, he knew would never stick needles in his wall, but it just made things warmer in his chest thinking about the two working on pinning them there together. He also noticed a few sprinkles on the floor, eyes following the mess to the kitchen where he saw a few boxes of cupcake mix sitting on the counter. 

His heart was longing to come back to this, it felt like a home and he almost felt like he didn’t even belong here anymore before noticing one important detail missing. Looking around a few more times he began to frown, panic gripping his stomach as he turned toward his ~~boyfriend~~ ex.   
“No Christmas tree?”  
Looking around the room himself, the older man seemed to not even notice, face taking on an embarrassed look.   
“No, he uh,” he seemed hesitant as he forced out a quick excuse, “wanted to wait until you got back so we could do it as a family.”  
As much as he wanted to smile he forced himself back, the real meaning of those words making him feel like the worst person in the world. It left his lips gaping like a fish as he tried to think of something to say. He was truly at a loss for words and he thinks the man could tell as they fell into the couch.  
“I have tried explaining that you may not be coming back,” and shit did that hurt, “he just won’t hear it.”  
“Christmas is like ten days away, Eddie. You have to do something.”  
His heart was breaking for Christopher, he knew how much the boy adored the holiday and he didn’t want to intrude, but imagining the two waking up in two weeks to open presents without any joy shattered his soul. Guilt was rising in him quickly and he felt his eyes swelling in sadness despite the way he forced his tone to soften. It wasn’t Eddie's fault that Buck up and left, yes he had issues, but the way he just abandoned them was on him and repercussions were always the result of the person who left. 

A soft chuckle broke his thoughts as the conversation continued, Eddie mumbling about just doing it when the boy was sleeping.   
“I don’t want him to miss Christmas because of me-”  
“Hey, don’t think like that. He won’t miss anything, and it won’t be because of you.”  
Looking at the ground he wanted to shake his head, tell him it was of course his fault and he abandoned his own child on a holiday that was probably the most important time of the whole year.   
“Besides, my parents are coming down next week anyway, they will have this place shining in no time at all.”

  
Wait- what?  
He almost flinched with how quickly he turned around, eyes widening at the thought of Eddie even talking to his parents. He knew that relationship was rocky and the fact that they got in contact must of meant-  
“Your parents? Is everyone okay?”  
The hand resting on his knee almost distracted him from the words, sending warmth through his skin as the laughter rang just beside him. It was almost like the sound brought life into the room as he quickly filled in the gaps. 

Eddie admitting that he was opening up shocked him to his core, this was not the same man he had been dating the past six months. He already seemed happier, more truthful and obviously it had only been close to a month but he has grown a lot. Pride was growing in his chest and he wanted to once again pull him into a hug and tell him how proud he was. His best friend was doing so good without him and he almost hated himself because of it.   
Maybe it was best for him to back off. His eyes burned as he turned toward the hall, knowing the pictures that rested on the other side were proof that they were happy. The cupcakes in the kitchen, the lack of anxiety rolling off his best friends shoulders. 

Was he able to give this up?

Forcing himself closer he cleared his throat, maybe if he could have one last memory with them he would have an easier time.   
“I have been meaning to ask, do you think I could go to the mall with Chris? To see Santa?”  
The hurt on his face was instant and Buck almost changed his mind, maybe Eddie didn’t want them to get together like that anymore. God- maybe he thought he was leading Chris on-  
“Of course, you and him can have the day and-”  
“No, I meant all three of us.”  
The silence was long, but it was followed by a smile and the stress rolled off his back for a quick second.   
“Buck, of course. You’re still loved here, welcomed any time. That’s never going to change.”  
“Even if we aren’t together anymore?”  
He begged his voice not to crack, he couldn’t lose himself now that they were so close to working out a plan.   
“Even if we aren’t together anymore. He is as much your kid as he is mine.”  
The thought threw him for a loop, Chris was not his child. He had no place in the kids life besides best friend and Buck hadn’t even met Eddie’s family nonetheless had any idea of what was best for him.  
“No- don’t say that. We dated for six months, Eddie-”  
Interrupted by excuses wasn’t what he wanted to hear. There was no way he was that crucial, the fact that Eddie thought he was that important almost made him uncomfortable. He loved them, yes, but if they couldn’t last three months in the same household without Buck running away, how could he have a place with them for a year?

Grabbing his hand he tried to cut him off, slapping on a smile and just feigning the next sling of thanks. He even tried apologizing, but Eddie was quick to avoid them, just smiling wider as he shook his head.   
“I think you leaving like that was the only thing to get me where I am now. These past few weeks have been eye-opening for me. I miss you- I mean, it’s been really hard without you still being here, but I have finally been able to get the help I needed.”  
Really?  
He didn’t even realize he had said it out loud, just trying to get over the fact that this was even Eddie. The way he spoke, the way he defended Buck against his own thoughts, it was all making him feel something he hadn’t felt in a while. It was giving him hope and he squeezed Eddies hand tightly before he had to force himself away. He knew he wouldn’t be followed and made his escape into the kitchen, reaching for a glass, as he claimed he was, and making as much sound as possible. By the time he reached the counter tears were in his eyes once again, but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. The trash can overflowed with those stupid desert boxes made him feel like maybe he was wrong, they could work this out. 

The silence quickly grew old and he wiped his sleeve across his eyes, catching the attention of a pill bottle on the counter. Reaching for it he called out, knowing this was new. 

“How is therapy going?”   
By the time he returned to the couch, the question had somehow converted back to his own self. Eddie was eyeing him in worry and he scratched the back of his neck as he tried explaining without seeming like he was falling apart.   
“I just think a couple things have been opened up since we.. broke up. I-”  
He was beginning to feel distressed, the spotlight was on him and he was feeling the heat deep in his bones. Maybe this was how Eddie felt when Buck kept trying to force him into therapy all those weeks ago.   
“Do you need someone to talk to?”  
God, this man was so sweet, it reminded him why he fell in love with him in the first place.   
“It’s not that. I just think that maybe losing you both so instantly kind of messed with me. I know you said I didn’t, but I just miss being here I guess.”  
He missed being here, being with family- just having a family for the first time in so long was such a relief. The way he grew up with his parents wailing on him made him grow desperate for love. Sometimes like an idiot, sleeping with anyone within a 20 foot radius, but also with just needing to talk to someone like he was human. 

Back when he was Buck 1.0 it wasn’t necessarily the sex, it was everything. The waking up with someone at the other side of the bed, the skin-to-skin contact that wasn’t painful to the point where he cried afterward. Even them saying his name did something to him and it felt like those pieces were finally sliding into place. He was just beginning to feel happiness and when Eddie finally asked him out he was overflowing with it.   
For the first time ever he was genuinely happy and found a place on this earth where he belonged. And now, sitting here and realizing that maybe Eddie still wanted him, it was more refreshing than he would ever know. If not, then at least he could still have Christopher. 

“We miss having you here. Chris is out of school in half an hour if you want to pick him up?”  
Shaking his head he felt kind of done for the day, this talk had really shown him a few things in himself and he needed a little bit of time to go home and think things over. Of course, that wasn’t how he said it and denying picking him up to ‘avoid confusion’ was not his best moment. The sadness on Eddie’s face was clear, but once again gave him hope that maybe it was true. He was missed here and could be welcomed back. 

Stepping back into his sister's place he knew he was radiating something, because as soon as he shut the door he looked up to see her standing there, arms crossed with her head tilted sideways. Feet stuck to the floor he didn’t want to move, them both just staring before she smiled and took a step closer.   
“How did it go?”  
“How did what go?”  
He hadn’t even told her where he was going, but when her smile grew he knew that as always, she had figured things out. 

“You know, I called you out on this boy crush when I first came down here. Maybe you shouldn’t lie to me.”  
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”  
Dropping his coat on the rack he made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a drink from the fridge and ignoring the footsteps behind him.   
“Evan Buckley, tell me what happened with you and Eddie.”  
With a sigh he threw his head back, very dramatically, and turned to her. Her eyes were glowing with determination and he leaned back against the counter with a shrug.   
“We aren’t back together.”  
Well obviously you are standing in my kitchen, so that's a given. How is he doing?”  
The smile on his face was genuine, looking at her with relief probably etched into his face.   
“He is doing really good.”  
“So are you, I can tell it went well because I haven’t been able to mess with you like this for weeks.”  
He spluttered his soda, barely avoiding spit as he wiped his sleeve against his mouth.   
“That's not true-”  
“You sat on my window seat- _my_ window seat staring outside like a puppy in those Budweiser commercials. I literally caught you eating my birthday cake for a week and every time I checked up on you in your room you were crying. I know telling him about mom and dad was rough, but you had a really hard time and I almost called Bobby to come check on you a couple times.”  
“Maddie.. I was fine. I broke up the best relationship I ever had, of course I would be sad. But, it wasn’t like I was depressed.”  
“Okay, sure. But seriously, what happened with Eddie?”  
“It actually went really well. At first I was nervous, but you were right. He said they were waiting for me to come home.”

  
Her smile was wide and before she could shed hormonal tears of her own he quickly continued.   
“He’s seeing a therapist and seems really happy.”  
“That's really good, Buck.”  
Mirroring her face he nodded, “We are taking Chris to see Santa on Saturday.”

  
Her hug raced across the kitchen and he held back just as tight by the time she finally made it. The happiness in his chest was strong and he couldn’t help but feel proud of his courage going over there this afternoon.   
“Are you finally ready to tell him you want to get back together?”  
Pulling away, he was uncertain. Part of him did want to get back together with Eddie, well, all of him. But, he also knew therapy took time and he couldn’t throw himself wholeheartedly back into a relationship without making sure they wouldn’t have a fallout again.   
“I don’t know, he has a lot of things to work out and I don’t know if I can handle it if he starts to..”  
Trailing off he put his drink down on the counter, watching her head nod as he forced his gaze in hers.  
“I know it’s scary, the way mom and dad treated you. But, I promise you, Eddie will never be like that.”  
“I know-”  
Her fingers tightened around his chin as she shook her head.   
“No, you don’t. I know you’re scared, but Eddie would break up with you long before he let his anger get that out of control. He loves you and you love him, there is not a chance in hell that man would ever become like Doug. He knows what you deserve and you know what he deserves, and that is why you two are so good together.”  
His heart skipped a beat at her words, hands clutching to her wrists as she brought up her other hand to wipe at his eyes.   
“I know these last few weeks have been trying, but you are so strong, Evan. You have so much love and grace and that will never go unnoticed by me, your team, or anyone close to you. On Saturday, tell him how you feel, you guys will work this out and I will be here every step of the way in case you need me.”  
“I love you, Mads.”  
“I love you, too. Never forget that, little brother.”


	4. Chapter 4

Christopher’s giggles ran loudly through the trees, Eddie hadn’t heard him this happy since Thanksgiving day when it seemed like their entire world had fallen apart. He could almost feel the vibration running through his child’s skin when he woke up that morning, calling for his dad as soon as the clock hit six am.  
The familiar boots were slamming against the muddy ground, followed by Buck’s laughs as he called the boy's name from about ten trees the other direction. Stuffing his hands in his pockets he just smiled, letting the breeze ghost against his face as he breathed in the fresh air. Both boys were having such a fun day, starting with Buck heading over early in the morning to help Christopher make breakfast. They made french toast this time, talking about how excited they were to find a tree for the house and Eddie couldn’t do anything other than sit back and listen.  
He had been using this day to relax, take in the sight of these two together for the first time in what seemed like forever. They were so in sync, tickle fights and sing-a-longs something he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to hear again.  
After their talk at the mall he had gained a lot of hope, which then pushed him into calling his therapist and making sure he was doing the right thing. The man just laughed, telling him to do what felt right before hanging up and leaving Eddie to stew over his thoughts. He was excited that Buck wanted to work at get back together, but the thought of pushing him too far terrified him.  
His nerves were also on edge with his parents coming to town. With it being the day after the mall he knew his parents were arriving first thing tomorrow morning. Christmas was on friday and even though they had been talking, he had yet to mention that the two had broken up at all. It took all he had to convince Buck to come out with them today literally a day after their promise about taking things slower than they did before, and now he had to tell him that his parents thought they were still in a relationship. He doesn’t know why his mind didn’t tell his mother before she went on and on about how proud she was of him, and thinking back he probably just wanted to hear the things she loved versus the things she would be disappointed in him for.  
Regardless, he promised his boys a day of fun. After they picked a tree he was taking them to the store, letting them pick decorations so they could spend the day pulling the house together. Buck seemed delighted, even offering to pitch in, but Eddie just laughed and kissed his forehead before putting the car in drive.

“Buck! I like this one!”  
“Superman, I don’t even know where you are!”  
Another sprout of laughter had him turning on his heel, heading the other direction with a smile on his face as he came head to head with his son. The boy jumped, looking up with a grin as he pointed at a tree about five feet taller than their ceiling.  
“Hey, mijo. I don’t think this one is going to fit.”  
The smile faltered, making him fill with guilt as he saw Buck slide into view. They locked eyes across the row, the blond smiling widely before running over out of breath. He barely had time to breathe before Chris pushed into his stomach, mumbling sadly.  
“Daddy won’t let me have the tree I want.”  
Looking up, Buck frowned, tilting his head in that Buckley way as he subconsciously stuck out his lip. Before he could get sucked in Eddie turned around, shaking his head as he stuck his hands back in his pockets.  
“It’s not going to fit in our house, so don’t ask. We need one with the measurements I gave you this morning.”  
“But he wants this one!”  
Taking a few steps forward he sighed out a heavy breath, closing his eyes as he tried his absolute hardest to avoid the two puppy eyes behind him.  
“Nope. Find a better one.”

They arrived at the farm at give or take nine am, by the time they found a tree, they were loading it into his truck at closer to noon. It doesn’t help that they played hide and seek a few times, but even Eddie couldn’t help but play two or three rounds with them. Although Christophers boisterous crutches gave him away every time, Buck still seemed to struggle as he rushed blindly in every direction. He even bumped into one or two people, but as they turned in annoyance they seemed to fall into that Buckley charm, smiling as he continued on his way.

“So, abuela and abuelo are coming tomorrow, what do you think we should show them while they are here?”  
Looking in the rearview mirror he watched the face begin to think, feet kicking against his seat as he grew deep in thought. While part of him could watch all day, he knew he should take this time to talk to Buck.  
“Hey, theres something you should know about my parents coming.”  
Turning his head he raised an eyebrow, silently questioning as Eddie let out a breath.  
“I told you I started talking to them more, about twice a week since the first time I called.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Well, I haven’t exactly wanted to say anything to make them upset, or uncomfortable.”  
“Did you not tell them I was still coming over to help decorate? Because I can stay at Maddies-”  
“No, no that's not it. Buck, I never told them we broke up.”  
The silence didn’t last long, the taller man turning in his seat with a frown and heavily crossed arms.  
“You lied to your mother?”  
“I didn’t lie, we just had so much to catch up on and..”  
Trailing off he wanted to look away, to hide his face from looking more ashamed than he already did. He could feel Buck’s stare on the side of his head and hated the idea of making him unhappy again.  
“Eddie, talk to me.”  
A strong hand fell on his thigh, gently gripping the skin causing him to let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.  
“I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else. Letting you down, letting Christopher down, I hated myself and it’s no excuse. I am trying to be better, I know I can be, but telling her we broke up would make her ask why and I can’t let them see me like that. I know it's selfish-”  
“It’s not selfish, Eds. I get it.”  
Shaking his head he dropped a hand on the other’s, frowning deeply as he thought about what he was going to do.  
“Obviously she will ask when she gets here, I just.. You know I love you and would never push you to do anything you don’t want to-”  
“I could come stay with you guys.”  
His words came to a halt, head turning so fast he swore he got a little bit of whiplash. Buck looked serious, not at all uncomfortable and he wanted to just say yes and end the conversation if it didn’t make him feel awful for it.  
“I can’t ask you to do that. We agreed to take things slow-”  
“I was going to come over for Christmas anyway, I’m spending all day there today. I can just stay until they leave.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Of course, maybe it will help us in the long run, dip our toes in the water. It will be fun!”  
With a smile he squeezed the hand under his, going to thank him when a voice piped up from the back seat.  
“We can take them to see the fire station!”  
“That's a great idea, superman! Maybe we can take them to your favorite restaurant too!”

The store was just as busy as they imagined, Buck sitting Christopher in the basket of a cart as he looked around the entrance of the store.  
“So, where should we start?”  
“Lights!”  
“Do we not have any lights at home?”  
“Daddy doesn’t do lights, Buck can you do lights?”  
The boy got a yes before he could pout his lip, cart taking off and leaving Eddie behind. He didn’t bother trying to catch up, knowing they would end up in the candy isle when they were done. Admittedly, the way Buck said ‘home’ kept him at a slower pace anyway, smiling widely as he watched them disappear around the corner. The last two days have gone so well and he felt like maybe the other adult was more excited about coming home than he was. With all the time they had left to go, if it was anything like the start they would be okay.

By the time the next morning came, Eddie had set the guest room, reset the guest room, did he mention he changed the guest room? He knew it was nerves, but he felt the perfectionist side of him bursting from the seems. Everything needed to be perfect and although he was working on that with his therapist, right now he felt more a mess than ever.  
He stood in the doorframe, one hand tucked under his arm as the other held his face tiredly. Scanning the room even his eyes were growing weary, picking out every mistake or obstacle his parents would have when they came in this afternoon. Christopher was already at Maddies for the day and Buck was at his own place bringing over the last of his items he would need.  
There was so much guilt pooling in his stomach at the idea of lying to his mother, but Buck was so oddly okay with it that he felt maybe they could do this. It must have been because they were working at their relationship again, that they were trying to get better, and if they fixed themselves soon enough this whole mess could be erased. Eddie wouldn’t have to bring up their break-up again, he would work himself to the ends of the earth until his little family could finally feel at home.  
“Hey, you need to get out of this room, Eds.”  
Flinching at the arm around his waist, he turned his head. A weight fell against his shoulder and he saw the familiar eyes in the mirror across the room.  
“I’m just finishing up-”  
“I know, but it looks perfect. Almost as perfect as the last fifty times you’ve changed it. Your parents will love it, they won’t even be in here much.”  
“I just..”  
“I know, but your parents love you, Eddie. They aren’t coming down here for your perfect guest room and perfect manners. They are coming to spend the holiday with their son and his family. Your mom would probably sleep on the back porch if it meant she got to see you-”  
He cut him off with a chuckle, feeling a hand on his as it tugged his fingers from his face.  
“I’m serious, just breathe. It will all be okay, I promise.”

Getting to the airport he quickly parked in the car garage before racing inside, checking his watch and looking around for the familiar signage. They landed when he pulled in and said they would meet him by baggage claim. He could feel the sweat beading at his palms, forcing him to wipe them across his jeans as he jetted across the carpet to the destination.  
Last time he saw his parents they argued about Christopher, what was best for him and how Eddie should move home. He wasn’t with Buck yet, but he knew they were disappointed in his refusal to follow their requests. A part of him thought that's why they were back, because he not only replaced his son's mother, but he replaced her with a man.  
He knew they loved him, he knew it. But, he also knew tough love and his parents have never been the kind to sit back and let their opinions fizzle away. They let people know the truth regardless of how brutal and sometimes it was a rift in a much bigger problem. Even with Shannon they were constantly clashing, at each other’s throats as they tried to get her out of their lives. From the beginning they thought she was going to run off and when she did, it killed him. To be proven wrong he had to watch their faces as they gave him the  
and then proceeded to try and take his son.  
It was one thing to lose his wife, but if he didn’t have Chris he wasn’t sure where he would be right now. Maybe he would have still moved here, maybe he would have reenlisted. All he knows is his family has saved him more times than he could count and if his best friend wasn’t accepted this time around he didn’t know what he was going to do. Buck was it for him and he needed his parents to know that.

“Edmundo!”  
Whipping his head around he couldn’t help but smile, his mother racing toward him mirroring the look on his face. She looked ecstatic, grinning from ear to ear as she wrapped him viciously in a hug. The way she clung to him reminded him of home and he closed his eyes as he held her even tighter against him.  
They must've gotten lost in their reunion because by the time she pulled away his father was next, tugging him in by his sweatshirt until they too were hit with memories. Eddie had missed this so much and as he felt the hand rubbing against his back he had to force back the nostalgic emotions.  
“How was your flight?”  
Pulling away he reached for their suitcases, shaking his head as they tried grabbing the luggage from his hands.  
“No, mijo, let me-”  
“Seriously, it’s okay. Let me, aren’t you elderly now?”  
The way his mother's jaw dropped sent him into laughter, barely avoiding her slap which aimed directly against his chest.  
“The flight was fine, you better watch it before I embarrass you in front of your boyfriend, Edmundo! I have a whole week!”  
Forcing his smile to stay, he nodded in surrender, letting his dad grab a bag from his hand as he motioned toward the exit.  
“Alright, alright. Let’s get you home-”  
“Where’s my little Eddie?”  
“Chris is with Buck’s sister, I have a shift and thought you guys would want some rest from your flight.”  
“Oh please, you give us the address and we will be picking him up. Isn’t she about to have her own soon?”  
Halting his step he turned his head, confusion riding him in waves.  
“I didn’t tell you that-”  
“Yes you did, you told us weeks ago.”  
Motioning away his words she smiled, eyes locking in his as she raised an eyebrow.  
“So, when do we get to meet this new man of yours, I’ve seen him on the internet a few times. Sure does get himself into trouble a lot.”  
“Oh, you have no idea.”

The entire car ride was basically catch up, filling them in on his life here as they told him about the family back home. They seemed really happy and the moment they heard Buck was going to be coming home before him they seemed to have something up their sleeve. Eddie wasn’t sure what it was, but they pulled into the driveway before they could be questioned and quickly raced inside.  
He grabbed their suitcases and followed them in, seeing them looking around the home in awe.  
“Eddie, I love all these decorations!”  
Smiling he took in the scene himself, Buck’s tumblr lights hanging in every direction. They weren’t any crazy colors, but the light blues were really nice with all of the furniture. They also hung up all Christopher’s pictures, some even framed and covered in homemade snowflakes. The slits of paper were taped over everything in sight, followed by christmas cards that were passed along by friends and other family. There were of course some from the firestation, Maddie and Chimney, some of Chris' friends from school. Even Carla’s face was taped over a corner of the hallway.  
“I know, it’s a lot, but the boys seemed to want to go crazy-”  
“It’s perfect! All the colors make it so happy!”  
Her tone was gentle, spinning around as she tried taking in every detail of the house. Eddie could tell his father was holding back a smile and it wasn’t until they found the tree that it finally broke free.  
“Is that a superman on the top?”  
“Don’t ask.”

“So, I put your bags in your room, Buck should be home in a few hours and I left Maddies number and address on the counter. Is there anything else you guys need?”  
Fixing his watch he entered from around the corner, eyes wandering until they pinned down the parents smiling at a photo album.  
“We are good, thank you, mi cariño. Have fun at work!”  
A wrist flicked in his direction, more laughs filtering from across the room as he reached for his bag by the door. Just the sight of his parents filled him with contentment and before they could flip the page he was out the door.

His shift went well, nothing too crazy which got him out of the garage by midnight. He had a shorter shift, only about fifteen hours, which was more than enough time to get his thoughts in order.  
Stepping into the house he expected everyone to be asleep, but the sight of Buck on the couch stopped him in the doorway.  
“Hey, what are you doing up?”  
He dropped his bag, reaching for his shoes as the man turned toward his direction with a shrug.  
“Nothing, just waiting up for you.”  
“Everyone else asleep?”  
“Yeah, they were out hours ago.”  
Without thinking he made his way over, tugging Buck into a hug and dropping a kiss on his curls.  
“I missed you.”  
“Yeah?”  
Nodding against his head he smiled, taking in one last breath before pulling away and heading toward the kitchen. He didn’t even realize how out of place it was until he went to turn around, apology already forming on his tongue.  
“We saved you left overs, top shelf.”  
Buck was pushing himself off the couch, a smile on his face as he too headed into the kitchen. Nothing seemed off, even as his hand slid into Eddies and reached his other for the refrigerator doors.  
“Nothing big, just made some chicken and…”  
The words drifted out of his mind, he couldn’t help but lose focus as he just stared at the man standing in front of him. He knows he says it a lot, but he was so in love with Evan Buckley. The way he spoke, the way he smiled, even now talking about leftovers proved how head over heels in love he was with this man. He would be an idiot to screw this up again.  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you met my parents.”  
The blond faltered, smile dropping for a second before perking back up. He turned away, grabbing the tupperware from the shelf and heading to the microwave.  
“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”  
“I know we aren’t.. Back together yet, but I had hoped it would be a little more special, you know?”  
“Eds, I promise you, it's okay.”  
He popped open the door, gently tearing off the lid and placing the plastic inside as he drew in a heavy breath. A part of him wanted to push, but he fought back his instinct and pushed himself to sit up on the island.  
“If you’re sure.”  
Buck turned around and crossed his arms, smile still there as he tilted his head and looked at the clock.  
“Well, I’m going to head in. We have a big day tomorrow, last day of work until after Christmas.”  
“Still don’t know how we managed to do that.”  
Shrugging he headed over, pulling Eddie into a kiss before heading out of the room.  
“Good night!”  
Unable to hide his smile he dropped his head, staring at his restless feet with a swell of pride in his chest.  
Things were looking good.

He had gone to bed not long later, waking up to his alarm that rang around eight. Everyone was up and he quickly got ready for the day before meeting everyone in the living room. The plan was to bring the family down to the station to meet his team, then they would take Chris out for the day while the men finished up their last shift.  
The entire group got together really well, they talked until the alarm went off and the day went as per normal. Buck was happy to be working, Chimney was nonstop texting Maddie about how her day was going, even Hen was showing everyone all of Denny’s christmas photos with Nia smiling adorably in his arms. It was turning out to just be a really good day and every call only lifted their spirits.

They had just gotten back from a call and Eddie was raising his hand toward the ambulance. Buck smiled and latched onto the hold, dragging him toward the stairs with a smile.  
“You know, Christmas is three days away. Maybe we could go out and get dinner, just you and me?”  
Hesitation lingered in his voice and Eddie wanted to dig into it, to grab him by his shoulders and promise him it would always be okay, but he didn’t. All he could do was nod and follow the blond up the stairs. They fell on the couch rather quickly, Bobby heading toward the kitchen to start something up for lunch.  
“I think that would be a great idea, Buck.”  
Connecting their hands he smiled warmly, ignoring the fake retching from a few feet away.  
“I’ll call for reservations as soon as we get home- back to the house.”  
He watched as Buck leaned farther back into the seat, eyes catching on the TV, but not really paying attention. Something seemed to be bothering him and every inch of him was craving to ask about it. The way his hand began sweating in his own, eyes zoning out into a make believe conversation. Even the way their words had died so quickly from just a moment ago.  
“Buck-”  
“Eddie, theres something I need to tell you.”  
The words cut him off, sending his back rigid as he sat up and turned to face the younger man. Buck looked genuinely nervous, pulling his hand away as he opened his lips.

Sirens.

Things only got more awkward through the rest of their shift. They still talked, but Buck was withdrawing strongly. It felt like a weight was piling up on his shoulders and the topic from before wasn’t brought up again.  
Stepping inside the doorway, he walked behind his ~~boyfriend~~ ex and shut the door behind them gently. The house was filled with laughter, it only being two days until the biggest day of the year. Crutches were rushing over to them and within seconds his arms were full of an eight year old.  
The boy molded into his arms perfectly, smiling from ear to ear as he squealed in delight.  
“You’re home!”  
“Yeah, Mijo.”  
He lifted him into his arms, pressing a kiss on his cheek as they made their way into the living room. His parents were sat on the sofas, a book in their hands as they smiled in his direction. They welcomed him in and talked about their day as everyone got comfortable.

“I’m so happy you guys had fun, maybe tonight you can have a movie party!”  
“We can watch The Grinch!”  
“You can! And maybe you can have some of the popcorn in the pantry that we bought!”  
Chris was now sitting next to Buck, leaned into his side as he planned the rest of their night.  
“Well, buddy, your dad and I were going to go out for dinner tonight.”  
“But how will we watch a movie at dinner?”  
“You’d stay with your grandparents, it would just be me and your dad.”  
The smile fell, excitement beginning to fade and Buck tried to explain.  
“Buddy, it would just be for a little bit, we will be back to watch another movie with you.”  
“You promise?”  
“Of course! Me and your dad just want to celebrate a little bit to ourselves. Maybe do some adult things.”  
The moans of disgust were immediate, sending a blush up Buck’s neck as everyone around the room laughed. Chris stuck out his tongue and pretended to be disgusted as the man tried to explain.  
“No- Buddy-”  
“You guys are going to kiss!”  
Instant relief ran through the bright eyes, his smile small as he nodded a little wildly.  
“Yes, we will probably kiss. You’re right.”  
His eyes shot to Eddie’s, nodding in the boy's direction with a smirk riding his lips. All the father could do was shrug and stare right back with fondness etched across his face. He loved how serious Buck got over Christopher growing up. He tried so hard to shelter the boy, but Eddie knew his kid and probably what he was beginning to hear already at school. He remembered that time Christopher asked him where babies came from and the poor man choked on his drink as an answer. Eddie thought he was genuinely in danger and had to rush across the table.  
“So, where are you boys going?”  
“Well, I was thinking about that steakhouse down by the station, where we went for Hen’s school party. When she passed her test?”  
“Yeah, but they are probably booked, last minute-” Cutting him off he reached over, grabbing the hand that sat close to his own.  
“Don’t worry about it, I have it covered.”

By the time they escaped Chris’ begging arms they were just in time for their seats, arriving at the restaurant and giving their last names. They were seated close to a small dance floor with a small stage filling the room with music. Eddie had his arm around Buck’s waist, shifting them toward their seats as the waiter placed their menus on the table.  
“Take your time, feel free to move across the room to the dance floor. You will be helped shortly!”  
They nodded in his direction, sitting down and quickly scanning their eyes across the room.  
“Wow, this place is really nice. Remind me how you got reservations two day before Christmas?”  
“I saved the owner’s cousin on one of our calls.”  
Buck just smiled before grabbing his menu and looking down the options. He seemed happy, much different than before which kept Eddie from wanting to damper the mood.  
“So, now that we have no ears on us. How have you been?”  
Looking up his blue eyes sparkled and Eddie almost lost his focus on the response.  
“They’ve been good, Maddie and Chimney are probably over the moon since I'm out of their house.”  
“Please, your sister is probably going crazy at home by herself.”  
“No, Josh has been hanging with her. He actually never leaves, they talk about boys and romance novels, kinda drives me crazy.”  
He chuckled before looking back at the list in front of him.  
“No romance novels for you? I remember you crying when we went to see Toy Story 4 at the drive in a few weeks ago-”  
“That is not the same and you know it!”  
The defense was broken by laughter, feet kicking against each other gently under the table.  
“I don’t know, you seemed pretty inconsolable.”  
“He became a lost toy, Eddie! Years of friendship and they had to say goodbye! You have no idea-”  
His chuckle cut the conversation short, Buck’s glare strong before lifting up his menu higher and trying to hide his reddened cheeks. Eddie found his heart growing fuller and simply dropped the conversation if only to keep Buck from becoming more embarrassed.  
“You know, having you back at the house has been really nice, Buck.”  
The blue eyes shined at the words, looking at him for a second.  
“Really?” He seemed so unsure, but Eddie didn’t bother backtracking.  
“I know I missed you, but Christopher hasn’t been this happy in weeks. He really missed you and I’m sure he’s telling my parents as many embarrassing stories as he can before we get back.”  
In his head he could only imagine what they were hearing, Christopher seemed to be hidden in every corner whenever anything went wrong. From parties, to the station, he witnessed every little mistake and it almost got to the point where Eddie was expecting his laughter every time he so much as stubbed a toe. Thankfully he was also good at secrets when they really needed to be held, his loyalty stronger than anyone he knew. It’s why when his parents were coming to town he knew the boy would keep the situation evened out until Eddie found the time to explain what was really happening.

“You know, the fact that he holds secrets so well blows my mind, I love that kid, but when he’s a teenager I am so screwed.”  
The waiter interrupted at that moment, taking down his drink and food order before grabbing his menu. Eddie still had that stupid smile on his face, looking up just in time to see Buck frowning deeply behind his barrier. In the moment the blond looked increasingly uncomfortable and as he read out his order his voice was laced with nerves.  
Tilting his head he could tell he was being avoided and when the man in the suit walked away they sat in silence until his hand fell over Buck’s own.  
“Buck? You know, if you need to tell me anything-”  
The hand under his pulled away, forcing his eyes upward until he was met with orbs of sorrow. He could already see the panic residing and his stomach dropped.  
“Babe, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Did I say something?”  
“Eddie.. There's something I need to tell you.”  
“I’m here. Whatever you need.” You know I love you.

Buck was wringing his fingers tightly in his lap, he kept looking up, almost like he was preparing something to say, but each line quickly fell short.

“I know how much you were looking forward to your parents being here.”  
Raising an eyebrow he nodded slowly, unsure where this conversation was leading.  
“I know you wanted us to meet and get off on the right foot before they found out that we broke up. I know it was something you were worrying about and I didn’t- I don’t want to get in the way of you guys fixing your relationship.”  
“Buck, you would never get in the way of that.”  
“But I did, Eddie.”  
The voice was soft, his eyes darting around the restaurant as if every person was looking their way. As if they all seemed to know this huge thing he did that was seemingly so bad that it brought him to tears.  
“I shouldn’t have waited until now to tell you, I tried at the station, but the bell went off-”  
“You’re making me nervous-”  
“They know that we aren’t together.”  
He stilled almost immediately, panic flooding through him as he too looked around despite the fact that no one knew their secret.  
“What? Did Chris-”  
At the accusation he saw the eyes grow even wider, the panic slowly coming back. “No- it wasn’t Chris! It was me.”  
He didn’t know what to say, mind racing as he sat back in the chair and ran his fingers across his scalp. Riddled with nerves he felt a bit disappointed, Buck probably didn’t mean to spill the beans on their situation, but he really felt like him coming out would help his progress in the long run. The excitement of coming clean and starting off this year with more honesty was something he spent hours talking about with his therapist during their sessions.  
When he first began speaking about his parents all he wanted to bring up was the fact that he needed to be perfect for them. They weren’t awful parents, they raised him to be happy if not a little ordered at times, but over the years of course they grew worried about his future. With Shannon, with Chris and his CP; They really just wanted what was best and as long as it took him to accept that, he grew convinced that maybe he could shape himself into a better man on his own terms.  
Of course it was a let down that this wasn’t going to be their first step in their families recovery, but maybe it was for the best. They must have only known for a couple days, he could talk to them and lay down what happened while still keeping himself honest. There was also still time to tell them about his anger, he had been working on it for almost a month now and his progress was low, therapy doesn’t kick in immediately, but steady. He was just opening up to those close and being able to tell his parents about his struggle was something he knew he could finally do.  
It was almost like this was a good thing, he could start the conversation and not have to dance around the elephant in the room any longer.

“Buck, mi amor, it's okay. I know it was an accident, it’ll be fine.”  
“It wasn’t an accident, Eddie.”  
A part of him thought he didn’t hear right, maybe the man was just feeling guilt and was putting too much blame on himself. However, the more he spoke, the more Eddie could feel his veins growing hotter with betrayal.  
“After we got into that fight with the mirror I didn’t know who to talk to. I don’t have parents, Maddie never thinks things through.. I thought maybe I could reach out to someone who knew you better than I did. So, I went into your phone and I got your mom’s number.”  
“What?”  
The tone tasted like venom and he told himself to calm down, but his hands shook viciously as his foot began tapping harshly against the hardwood floor.  
“What did you tell her?”  
Buck looked away, reaching up to rub his eyes, but the action only fueled his budding rage.  
“Look at me- this is serious, Buck! What did you tell her?”  
Across from him he watched the hands shoot up, circling around gently as they tried to explain through the chaos bubbling between them. “I told her everything! I panicked- I didn’t know who to talk to! She seemed so nice and understanding, so I kept calling and said that maybe them coming down could help! But, then we broke up and she called me after things died off so I told her and-”  
“She knew everything? You told her about our fights?”  
He opened his mouth to speak, but Eddie cut him off.  
“You invited her before I even called them-” His eyes widened in realization.  
“They were planning Christmas before I got to call them and invite them myself.”  
Buck’s eyes were pooling with guilt and as much as he wanted to comfort him he knew that the other had crossed a line. His next words were running through his head and he had so much to say, but he was trying to control himself.  
“It’s why you were so guilty in the kitchen. That wasn’t the first time you met.”  
“We hadn’t met in person,” he answered with a head shake.  
Forcing his fists in his lap he forced himself to his feet, grabbing his jacket and storming out of the restaurant. There were feet following him quickly, his waiter calling his last name in confusion as he rushed out the door.

By the time they got to the car across the street he felt his emotions bubbling over, body filled to the brim with so much of it that he couldn’t help but slam his fist against the hood. Spinning around he pointed a finger, Buck just getting across the street with his hands quickly reaching out in a halt movement.  
“Eddie, please-”  
“That was my place, Evan! You had no right- that was my moment to come clean and fix my relationship with my parents! I tried so hard these past few weeks and I have so much more to go, but god dammit that was my decision!”  
His eyes blurred with tears, lips trembling against his will as he finally let himself explode.  
“You had no right calling them and you had no right trying to fix our relationship without my permission! I was so proud of myself! I worked my ass off to gain the courage to call them after Shannon and she agreed so quickly- god, I saw it too! I heard her talk about Maddie and she didn’t even question it when I told her I wished I could be there to introduce you two.”  
“Eddie, I am so sorry.”  
“You should be! But, I guess it helped, right? You don’t need to pretend to date me in my house with my family anymore. You can finally leave-”

“No, Ed’s I don't want to leave! I love you and I want to work things out! I want to spend Christmas with you and-”  
“And what? Tell my parents every other fucked up thing about me? You want to tell them about my fighting? The time I got arrested? How about we dig up shit on you?”  
The body went still, Buck closing his lips tightly as he let himself step closer to the car and out of the crosswalk.  
“How about the time you sued us because you wanted your job back? Hm? The time you told them everything about my life so that you could win a case and finally get your way? Or lets mention that you lost my son in a fucking tsunami!”

As soon as the words fell from his lips he wanted to take them back, Buck’s face crumbled into a devastated mess and he knew another line had been crossed within the hour. He expected more tears, maybe even a gasp of shock, but before he could say anything else the man was walking to the car door.  
“I want to go home.”  
“Buck-”  
“I want you to take me to my sister’s.”  
“Wait- Buck, I’m sorry-”  
He opened his door, ducking his head as Buck got into his seat and began strapping his seat belt.  
“I knew this was a bad idea.”  
“No, telling me was the right thing-”  
“Us getting together. It was a bad idea.”  
His hand grasped the car, body screaming at him to make this right as the man in his car wildly shook his head.  
“It’s only been a few weeks, nothing fixes itself that fast. I just missed you so much and rushed back in without considering that maybe we aren’t better like this.”  
“Babe, please don’t say that- I didn’t mean it. I was-”  
“What? Angry?”  
The way he turned his head was knowing, eyes locking on his with no more understanding or care melted into them.  
“Yes, and I shouldn’t have- I was just upset. Buck, you have to understand- This is hard for me! Things don’t change overnight, of course I am angry they know, but I don’t want it to cost me you. Not again.”

After that there didn’t seem to be any words to help them. They drove in silence until they pulled into Maddie and Chimney’s driveway and Eddie pulled the keys from the ignition. Buck seemed to still, hands frozen against his seat belt before he shook his head and reached for the door.  
“Please don’t go.”  
“Eddie, we just weren’t meant to-”  
“Please, Buck.”  
The sigh was heavy, dragging fear into him as Buck turned slowly in his seat.  
“I don’t know how to do this. Fighting like this over and over again, I can’t do it-”  
“You said we could get help. You said that to me at the mall and you meant it. Don’t give up on me, okay? Please, don’t give up on me.”  
His throat was tight as he begged, all the anger had left on the drive over and he knew if Buck walked out that door they were done. He hated himself for what he said, and he knew Buck felt the same about what he did, but this time around there were no more chances for do-overs.  
“I am trying, the phone calls threw me off guard and what I said, it’s tearing me apart. But, Buck, I am trying here. I love you so much and I can’t handle losing you again. So if you think there is any chance for us, to talk this out and have any sort of future together, you can’t walk out that door.”  
His hand was still wrapped around the handle, even when he straightened himself forward and stared out at his sisters front door. He had tear marks across his cheeks and a look on his face that looked more empty the quicker the clock ticked on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, my mind seems to want to start stories right before i go into a depressive hibernation. it's like I am on top of the world and confident, and then after like two or three chapters the skies open up and drench me with the unwillingness to go on. i really like this story and i know if i go on a 'break' it will never get finished so my mind literally spun out of control as I wrote this. It took me a week and a half, and every time i opened it my mind flipped and i had to open a new tab and start a different story idea.  
> (like seriously though, i have like 5 new type-ups in my google docs)  
>  why am i like this?
> 
> anyway. hopefully my mind chills tf out for one second in the next few days and i can either make these characters happy for once and wrap up this story before i kill someone or break up the best relationship on tv.  
> lol


End file.
